Every culture has its shibboleths. If you deny them you're less of a man, or an outcast, or something. But since I havent lived in the UK for a while I feel I'm finally free to speak my mind about some sacred cows:1. Football is really boring. All that passing back and forth, the droning commentary, the goalless draws. Either make the nets bigger or the players smaller. Your choice Premier League.
2. Top Gear is rubbish. Why can't you people see it? Jeremy Clarkson is Terry Wogan with worse teeth, worse hair and worse gags.
3. British Tabloids are the best in the world. Despite crippling libel laws and constant snooty attacks from the high brow press they get the job done better than anybody. Gordon Ramsay, Gordon Brown, Gordon Bennett, no one is safe from those grubby hacks and their checkbooks, even people not called Gordon.
4. Stephen Fry stopped being interesting in 1994. And I like Fry, but the crap he's been shoving at us for the last decade. Gimme a break. If you ever want me to crack make me watch four hours of QI in a row.
5. Noel Gallagher. Ok, I'll give you Jeremy Clarkson if you want, but when are you people going to realise that NG is an utter and complete no talent. My non existent, illiterate, tone deaf, dead cat could write better melodies and lyrics. NG is to contemporary music what the Cretaceous–Tertiary Event was to dinosaur music.
6. Brummies are the new Irish. Nobody makes Irish jokes anymore, but all you need to hear is a Brummie accent and suddenly everyone's a comedian. Brummies lack the regional identity of Geordies, Yorkshiremen and Cockneys and if they want to make it in the big world they all are forced to drop their native dialect. You ever hear a scientist or a brain surgeon with a Brummie accent? No, didn't think so.
7. British Post Pub Food Rules! Yes it's derided but those derideders are wrong! The kebab van, the curry house, the chippie - no country I've lived in comes close to having such terrific post pub options. It may not feel great on Saturday morning, but Friday night - bloody delicious.
8. Wallace and Gromit aint what they used to be. All down hill since the train chase in The Wrong Trousers.
9. Ok I'm bored with this concept now but you get the idea. Food for thought, eh? No? Oh to hell with ya, ya Brummie hating, football playing eejits.
70 comments:
Adrian-
I have to agree with you about Football. Yes, I'm a Yank, so that probably disqualifies me from having an opinion about the world's sport. But seriously, I the pacing of the sport is dreadful, and this is coming from someone who watches golf. It's not enough for us Americans to go crazy when a team is able to pass a ball back and forth for a lengthy period of time. We like to see scoring.
1. Football is really boring.
Personally,I would count being forced to assist to an entire baseball game,regardless if it ends 1-0 or 25-12,as cruel, inhuman and degrading punishment.
Either make the nets bigger or the players smaller.
I think you're only trying to select the right conditions for your prediction about the World Cup Finals (NI-Brazil 5-4 with you scoring all the goals for NI)to hold true.
If that's the case,I think players need to be much,much smaller.
I have to agree with you about Football. Yes, I'm a Yank, so that probably disqualifies me
Yes. ;)
6. Brummies are the new Irish.
Yeah,this bashing and stereotyping is really terrible.
For example I remember a novel I read recently in which there's a brummie assassin,complete with Aston Villa cap,and the (Irish) protagonist marvels at his astounding level of incompetence.
Ciao,
Marco
I have to agree with you about Football. Yes, I'm a Yank, so that probably disqualifies me
Yes. ;)
I knew it was coming.
Soccer has just arrived in Toronto and it's great. Some snobs here complain, of course, that Major League Soccer isn't the prem - or some other European league - but it's quite exciting (and Beckham's team finished last, ha).
I've jumped on board the bandwagon and love it. So far we're the only team in the league that sells out every game, but Seattle is joining next year and look to sell out, Philadelphia the year after and New York is getting a fancy new soccer stadium. It's worth checking out live - there may not be many goals, but one seems possible at any moment and there are no long stoppages in play.
On the other hand, we had our first ever regular season NFL game on the weekend, the Bills and Dolphin and the tickets were crazy expensive and the game quite boring.
I remember when Homer Simpson was forced to watch a baseball game sober...
(my v-word is punatis - isn't he a Portugese striker?)
Marco
Yeah the assassin was a Brummie. I repent of this now. I was a weaker man. BTW I scored a goal once at Villa Park did I ever tell you that story? Perhaps another time.
Brian
The thing is, the games are all controlled by Asian gambling syndicates with the same 4 teams winning every year.
I'm kidding of course.
Or am I?
No really I am kidding.
Or am I?
No really...
John
Yeah that was a good episode. He watched the topes sober. I like watching baseball but I dont remember going to Yankee stadium or Coors Field and not having a drink, so they might, I say might, be onto something.
Sorry to hear about Canadian soccer. I was always hoping that rugby would take off in Canada.
NG is to contemporary music what the Cretaceous–Tertiary Event was to dinosaur music.
good line but I'm only vaguely aware who he is.
Can't tell if you are kidding, but either way that would make for an interesting novel.
Andrew
You're lucky, very lucky.
Brian
No really its all true.
Or is it?
On a much more serious note:
Mother Jones Magazine has a profile of our friend Yoani Sanchez here. The profile has been picked up by Huffington Post.
Lets keep our eyes on Yoani and Cuba.
If they want a new deal with the West they gotta stop threatening bloggers first.
1. Football is really boring. All that passing back and forth, the droning commentary, the goalless draws. Either make the nets bigger or the players smaller. Your choice Premier League.
Shrink the ball, put goalposts on top of the nets, and put hurleys in the players' hands.
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
This guy claims it's all fixed by Asian organized crime.
But I don't trust him, his name's Declan.
I've been following Yoani's blog since you mentioned it here, Adrian--partly in solidarity, but mainly because she writes a really interesting blog, which seems more descriptive than political, or rather is political because it's so descriptive.
However, the commenters are another matter. You may be trying to stir something up here with your UK rants, but you will never get the kind of invective she draws by simply saying 'Christmas trees have reappeared in Cuba'. Pro-Cuba,anti-Cuba, pro-Christmas, anti-Christmas,and all pretty much a waste of time. (Except for mine, of course.)
Maybe the Mother Jones article will gain her a few more followers that actually read what she is saying. I mean, for content.
v word=barpro. Hey, thanks, WV!
Seanag
Those comments on Yoani's blog are wearisome. Most of the pro Castroites have either 1) never been to Cuba 2) went but stayed in a beach hotel miles from Havana or (like the Hollywood stars) in the bugged rooms of the National.
For me the movie that tells us what Cuba's like today isnt Che bur The Lives of Others.
Peter
Never played hurley myself but it seems like a good laugh. I played an Aussie Rules/Gaelic game once and that was murder.
John
Hmmm. I was being glib but he may be onto something.
Why have Carrick Rangers never won the Champions League? Its a fix thats why.
For me the movie that tells us what Cuba's like today isnt Che but The Lives of Others.
I loved that movie. Though I have to admit that I hadn't thought of Cuba in relation to it until you said it.
My favorite Cuba movie that's actually set in Cuba is 'Strawberry and Chocolate'.
But I haven't been to Cuba, not even to a bugged beach hotel. Not even to a bug-infested beach cabana.
Yeah, Oasis sucks! Can't agree with you on Coldplay though. I think Chris Martin's songwriting is pretty good.
I haven't seen The Lives of Others, but I do recommend The Lost City. It's been a couple years since I saw it, but I think Andy Garcia directed it.
I hadn't heard of The Lost City, Brian, but it looks worth checking out. And you're right, Andy Garcia directed it in homage.
Che isn't opening here until next weekend, but I'll be going to see it whatever it's flaws, because Benicio del Toro is, well, Benicio del Toro. I know he made a few questionable career moves after his Oscar winning role in Traffic, but I think that 21 grams and particularly Things We Lost in the Fire redeem him. (And the latter helped Halle Berry work off some of her more dubious choices as well.)
None of this has anything to do with Cuba, let alone the UK, but that's just Brian and me hijacking the thread again.
Oh, and Brian? Don't let these guys batter you down about sports. I can't do it, since I don't actually know anything about them, but as a fellow American, I'm passing you the torch to defend baseball, football and especially golf. (I know it started in Scotland but we improved it. We added Tiger Woods.) Don't let them tell you that you can't comment on rugby, cricket, soccer("football", in their minds) and the like. Just tell them you're a Yank, you've seen their piddling ideas of sports and you know all you need to know.
Sorry, that's all the coaching I can give you. From here, you're on your own.
Nice name on the kebab van.
"Never played hurley myself but it seems like a good laugh. I played an Aussie Rules/Gaelic game once and that was murder."
You may recall that I raved about seeing the 1927 Yankees of hurling on my trip to Ireland in the fall. After that match and after I .watched some videos about the game, I marvelled at the grace top players need in order to avoid being brained, eviscerated and de-limbed. The All-Ireland final looked amazingly unviolent compared to what I'd expected. Mainly, though, I thought how unlike soccer it was in that even a complete neophyte, which I was, might enjoy it without understanding the game's finer points.
My v-word would go nicely with cuisine, couture or terre: haute
Marco: I went to Arezzo to see the frescoes of Piero della Francesca. I saw them, and I also saw a baseball field not far from the train station.
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Seanag
Feel free to hijack the thread. Hijacking the thread is good, especially since I'm a thread hijacker myself sometimes.
He was good in Traffic yup. And The Usual Suspects and Fear and Loathing too.
Brian
Havent seen it. Will check it out. Tried to watch Before Night Falls but couldnt stand the film. LOVED the book though, except that all the bestiality got a bit much for me. (theres a lot of bestiality in rural cuba apparently.)
TCS
Hey but Chris Martin's a thief! At least Noel Gallagher steals from John Lennon in such a way that the Beatles can actually sue him.
Ian
Nice spotting. I was proud of that pic. Its a bit of a cheat though. It isnt a British kebab van at all. Its from Pristina in Kosovo.
Peter
Yeah next time you're down Ger Brennan's way you should ask him to take you to a game of road bowls - Bol Chumann na hEireann - now thats a game for men.
Thanks, but it's Brian who's the considerate one. I have absolutely no scruples about turning anything to my own ends. Luckily my ends are usually not in the service of world domination.
Yet.
" ... along a country road course, up to 4 km long, and the fewest throws to traverse the distance wins the contest.
Participants in or from Ireland traditionally bet during the contest. Those who have bet on a player will follow him/her around the course, giving advice."
I had not heard of road bowls before your comment, but I was sold as soon as I read the above description, the last sentence in particular. Yes, I'll bet bettors give advice, all right.
Peter
Its a great game. They close the roads and theres cops, clergy, bookies, journos, players, player's families and spectators milling about. Its not hard to think that its 1950 and The Quiet Man isnt fiction.
You know whats good about the betting? You put twenty quid on your man (Euros in west Cork) and the bookie gives you twenty quid to "hold your bet"
Seanag
Hijack to your hearts content, you should the hijacking I do over on CSNI. Its ridiculous really.
I shall retire for the night with road bowling and petrospheres dancing in my head.
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Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Man, not much I disagree with there. Except for the Top Gerar thing. Sure, you're pretty bang on about Clarkson, but what about The Hamster? And James? Those guys are well funny.
But RE pub grub, Wallace and Gromit and Noel Gallagher; couldn't agree more, man.
Oh, and hijack away at CSNI. The last flurry was very interesting.
gb
"8. Wallace and Gromit aint what they used to be."
Nothing beats the lion in Creature Comforts. "In Brazil, you have space. ... I need da fresh meat, you know?"
And that line about the brassica in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit was pretty good, too.
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Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
For your viewing pleasure.
Ger
I like May, but then who doesnt?
Someone reminded me of the 2005 Champions League Final.
Ok, yes, my whole argument falls apart right there.
Peter
Its a joy to behold everytime. It reminds me of the helicopter/pasta/gun selling scene in Goodfellas, neither Park nor Scorcese got that good again.
BTW I scored a goal once at Villa Park did I ever tell you that story? Perhaps another time.
Oh,yes,that time you broke into the stadium at midnight.
Marco: I went to Arezzo to see the frescoes of Piero della Francesca. I saw them, and I also saw a baseball field not far from the train station.
Dalle stelle alle stalle.
But yes,someone probably plays baseball in Italy,since there is a national championship.
Like in the case of many other sports, however,unless you live in a place where for some historic reason there's a tradition or in very big cities where you can find a sport club for everything you can think of,you'll blissfully live your life without knowing it.
Football,Basketball and Volleyball are the only team sports practiced everywhere.
Though I believe all Baseball European Championships have been won either by Italy or the Netherlands.
v-word=drooded
but you will never get the kind of invective she draws by simply saying 'Christmas trees have reappeared in Cuba'. Pro-Cuba,anti-Cuba, pro-Christmas, anti-Christmas,and all pretty much a waste of time.
Spot on.And you only look at the English version-the Spanish one multiplies the comments by 2,000.
99% of those who speak about Cuba do it from a biased viewpoint-their agenda and what Cuba represents to them.It is wearisome.
Flawed movie, but I loved Del Toro in The Way of the Gun. I read somewhere that he actually told the director to CUT out some of his dialogue, which is a rare request from an actor.
Adrian-
I'll check that book out (BNF). Though I don't know if I'll be able to stomach the bestiality.
Seanag-
I would defend American sports, but I feel not responding to the jibes is a better approach. And hey, if I'm not qualified to comment on foot--er, soccer--then all non-Americans are not qualifed to comment on baseball and football.
And you're right. Golf is as much an American sport as it is a European sport at this point, maybe more so. I find it interesting to see how differently the game is played in the US and Europe.
It was a pleasure to watch the chase again on the clip. And I have not seen Goodfellas, believe it or not.
My v-word, paired with "The," would make a nice title for a sitcom set in one of China's great dynasties: mings
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Seanag-
I would defend American sports, but I feel not responding to the jibes is a better approach.
You're trying to the take the moral high ground with me,bub?
And McFetridge has every right to speak: he's a Canadian,he has long suffered from the evils of American sports-you give them one or two franchises in Baseball or Basketball and then sweep all the good Canadian hockey players who then end up playing in Florida or Los Angeles (oh,the ignominy!).
Seanag,fair warning:no more French rugbyists or Italian swimmers for you if you side with him.
"Dalle stelle alle stalle.
... v-word=drooded"
A nice expression, and a nice v-word. Drooded is an inflected, imperfect form of Dickens, I think.
My v-word is a Massachusetts pugilist: boxaa
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Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
marco-
Just kidding. Given the life I've led, I'm no longer able to take the moral highground with anything, let alone sports ;)
-B
Brian
Dont get me wrong, its not all just bestiality but there is a surprising amount even for a rural community. The film was directed by Julian Schnabel. It was so bad I cheered when Sean Young booed him at the AFI Awards. Poor Sean she was carted off to rehab and Schnabel went from strength to strength.
Marco
Just for that I will NEVER tell you my Villa Park story.
And I already admitted that the 2005 Champions League Final messes up my argument.
Peter
Its a brave man who'll admit to never having watched Goodfellas. I admire that.
Still you should watch it. Scorcese's last great film.
I'd like to able to claim I was being brave and breaking an American shibboleth. The reason I haven't seen Goodfellas, however, is simply that I haven't got around to it. I can correct that oversight, though.
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Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
I think it was Robert Hughes who called Basquiaat "a film by our worst living artist about our worst dead one."
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Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter
Hughes is great. The best of the Aussie expats.
Schnabel keeps getting worse. Despite the raves I thought the Diving Bell and the Butterfly was horrible. The book was sublime but the movie wasnt. Sean Young bravely fights against the consensus and they cart her to the loony bin.
When you watch Goodfellas, The Simpsons repeated parodies of the film will all become clear.
ESPN, in its low-key, subtle way, was full of coverage of the Yankees' deal with CC Sabathia. The coverage included clips, action shots and the ritual displays of the Yankees jersey at a press conference, of the Yankees' ten biggest-splash signings. That really brought back old times: Catfish Hunter. Reggie
Jackson. Dave Winfield. Danny Tartabull.
==============
Detectives Beyond Borders
“Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter
I'll be honest, I thought six years was too long, but I'll swallow it. Now he has to step up and lead that rotation
CC, Wang, Joba, Pettite and Hughes aint bad with Aceves to step in if Hughes cant cut it. Andy might jump to LA but we'll see. I like that they got this done. Its all about the pitching and hopefully by next spring Madonna will have found a new boy toy and A Rod can concentrate on baseball.
I hear Madonna has her eye on Sabathia already. I think we can all agree that Sabathia's contract will be longer than Madonna and A-Rod's relationship.
==============
Detectives Beyond Borders
“Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter
Yes.
And as much as I like Pettite, I'd be very happy to learn that the entire NYY rotation was under 30 years old with the median age of 25.
Someone should write to google and ask them if they've changed their policy on v words. In the last few days I've had dogg, minty, liarr, and right now I've got scope. Instead of using random letters I think now they're using random words with an extra letter added.
Brian,
Do you see what I mean about these guys? You try to take the high ground and they just get out their shovels and dig it right out from under you.
Marco,
You mean there are French rugbyists in the sim as well?
Here's the thing. Normally, I would go over and abandon Brian here to his Yankee ways in a flash, but given your stance about the whole 'Northwestern' thing, I feel that if I capitulated, you would just give me the aging French rugby players and the asthmatic Italian swimmers anyway. (Okay, okay--no offense to the aging or the asthmatic intended). So I'm between a rock and a hard place and it's not on any sunny Mediterranean beach either.
So out of desperation, I'm forced to just make myself into a social pariah and see what comes of it. A year or two ago, I was hired to co-author a trivia book about Southern California. I was given a sort of template, and researched to fill in all the categories. When I sent it in, the substance editor said, where's the sports trivia? A trivia book isn't complete without sports trivia.
I went back and looked at their outline again. It wasn't in it. It turned out that they had somehow left out one category.
Now see, any right minded American would have written them first and complained--bitterly--that there was no sports trivia category. But I had to wait till they pointed it out to me, and then do a mad scramble for enough relevant information to make the thing look presentable.
I can say that it was actually fun, once I got into it. I cannot say,with any honesty, that it was right up my alley.
Dalle stelle alle stalle
Marco and Peter, it's unfair not to translate, especially since my Italian tutor sim doesn't seem to be activated yet.
I had to look up one word of it myself, the last word. The expression means "From the stars to the stables/cow sheds."
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
It's product placement: SCOPE, for that fresh, MINTY taste.
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
seanag
they left me ages ago but I am planning an Italian sojourn so hopefully i will catch up.
you should give us the amazon bump for your trivia book.
Marco
Just for that I will NEVER tell you my Villa Park story.
A harmless little joke and he NEVERs me in caps.And here I thought Nortern Irishmen were all a jovial and humorous bunch.
Seanag,I already gave you Les Dieux du Stade.Plus,as you see,left to their own devices they could go on endlessly blabbering about baseball.
they left me ages ago but I am planning an Italian sojourn so hopefully i will catch up.
Is it decided then? In Florence next year?
Seanag-
I do see what you mean. It's brutal around here. I think they're just mad b/c we Yanks stole golf.
B
Marco
No it'll be 2010, but I think its happening.
Brian
We'll see about that. There are a lot of young Irish golfers coming through at the moment.
Keep me posted, and if I have a job to take a vacation from, maybe I'll take one and visit Florence again.
===================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Marco?
You are catering to our American ways and referring to 'Florence'? I am shocked.
I realized after I posted that the French rugbyists referred to 'Les Dieux du Stade'. So, after introducing me to contemporary Italian cinema and the French rugby calendar efforts, what do you still really have to offer that compels my loyalty to European sports? Brian, I'm back on the golf team of the good old U.S.A.
I'll just say that it would take a lot of Irish golfers to equal one Tiger Woods.
I know I counseled Adrian to go around to other blogs and drop the name of his book into the conversation, but I don't really think mentioning a book called The Bathroom Book of Southern California Trivia is likely to add a huge amount to my prestige. Still if anyone wants to check it out, you can find the trivia book here. I got paid up front, so you don't need to buy it to support me. If you happen upon a cheap copy though, you might enjoy the artist's rendition of me as some sort of Alpine mountain climber. This is hilarious, at least if you know me in the more mundane physical world world.
Dalle stelle alle stalle: From the stars to the stables.
That's a very nice saying, not to mention my general trajectory. As soon as I memorize it, which could take awhile, it will make a nice counterpoint to yelling 'Casino totale!', though unfortunately not applicable in as many situations.
v word= prett. As in "I feel prett, very prett"... I think Leonard Bernstein may have had a better take on this.
You know, we should all really just bicker incessantly amongst ourselves in Adrian's holiday absence, which will make him feel indispensable, and might even boost this comment over that hundred mark again.
I think I could probably just bicker with myself for 34 odd comments, but it would look better if there were a couple of other people in the fray.
No it'll be 2010, but I think its happening.
Fast forward two years,a pub in FIRENZE after two or three beers:
"Hey did I ever tell you that time at Villa P...wait I minute,NEVER,I said,NEVER!"
Marco--
So now who's going "All Caps" on us?
Brian,it's not surprising that Benicio del Toro asked to cut the word count, as he doesn't actually need many (or any) words to get himself across. In a kind of funny twist, after Traffic I went to see a couple of movies based solely on the fact that he was in them. In both of them he was killed off within the first twenty minutes. And in neither part did he have much dialogue, although he did comport himself well. Luckily for me, they were both good movies.
What were they? Snatch and The Pledge.
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