Saturday, January 24, 2009

Twenty Years, Twenty Terrible Best Picture Winners

(or why Benjamin Button will triumph at the Oscars)

1988 Rain Man - an almost unwatchable movie in which Dustin Hoffman plays Tom Cruise’s mentally challenged brother who Cruise uses to win at cards in Vegas. No, really.
1989 Driving Miss Daisy - static, dull, pointless, patronising, now that Obama’s President let’s pretend this film doesn’t exist.
1990 Dances With Wolves - overblown cowboy epic about a white man learning the ways of mystical Indians. President Laura Roslin plays the love interest. Horrible from start to finish (at least I think so, because I walked out).
1991 Silence of the Lambs - campy horror flick, that depends on an incredible coincidence for the plot to work. Jody Foster is twitchy, Sir Anthony is so far over the top he’s in the troposphere.
1992 Unforgiven - ok, this is a good film.
1993 Schindler’s List - can’t get past everyvun speaking like ziss all ze time.
1994 Forrest Gump - the worst film ever made by human hand.
1995 Braveheart - a close second.
1996 The English Patient - ok it’s a tie for second place.
1997 Titantic - the ship going down was cool, the love story was ridiculous, nice understated performance from the iceberg.
1998 Shakespeare in Love - it had Ben Affleck in it.
1999 American Beauty - straight to video things-aren’t-great-in-the-suburbs rubbish.
2000 Gladiator - superb for the first twenty minutes then long winded, ponderous, oafish and dull.
2001 A Beautiful Mind - like Harvey but not good.
2002 Chicago - we all thought the age of the great screen musical was dead. We were right.
2003 The Return of the King - worst movie in the trilogy. The ending goes on for two hours. Hobbits weeping everywhere. Even geeked out supernerds were looking at their watches. (Yes, I mean me)
2004 Million Dollar Baby - Hokey, simple, false and predictable. People who live in trailers are scum is the subtext of this film. BTW Yeats wrote in English.
2005 Crash - finally JG Ballard gets the respect he deserv- oh it’s the other Crash? Yeah that was awful. Looked like it was cooked up in the Oscar bait shop.
2006 The Departed - Scorsese’s worst film. I can do a better Boston accent than almost everyone in this cast and I cannot do a Boston accent. Memo to Mr. S. this is your third film about a working class Irish protagonist and we’ve never seen a pint of Guinness. Stick to what you know.
2007 No Country For Old Men - the hero gets killed off screen, and Kelly Macdonald doesn’t talk Glaswegian but I quite enjoyed the movie.
2008 Benjamin Button ? - if you liked Forrest Gump you’ll love Button. Not Scott Fitzgerald's shining moment either.