According to a rigorously scientific poll on Declan Burke's Crime Always Pays last week, I, apparently, am the second sexiest Irish crime writer after the fragrant John Connolly. From this August 2003 picture you can see why I got so many votes: the stylish Krusty the Clown hair, the glazed Deliverance-like sociopath expression, the pirate shirt. . .What's even more comforting about Mr. Burke's poll is that it means that I am the sexiest Northern Irish Crime Writer, a thing conference organisers should bear in mind when they're looking for their next guest speaker at the Tahitian Crime Fest. What's also great about the award is the fact that Colin Bateman for one must be furious, I mean would he trade the awards, bestsellers, film and TV success for the title of Sexiest Northern Irish Crime Writer? Of course he would! Next year the competition is going to be even tougher with trendily bearded Stuart Neville and boyish kung fu master Gerard Brennan entering the lists....
The lady with me in the pic? Professor Leah Garrett, mother of my children, god help them.
92 comments:
Rory McIlroy's hair has got nothing on yours, brother.
The Professor looks nice.
Do up your shirt a bit more. Keeping people guessing is sexier.
Is this taken in your underground bunker where you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
I bet you would win the cute couple with guns contest, though, hands down.
Adrian: Rest assured that by now, ASIS has this file in their clutches and your visa is at risk. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, me old China.
Brian
And he doesn't slice the ball on his power drives either.
Miss Witch
I believe no amount of sartorial changes would help that picture. Its the hair really...Well, and the guns.
HB
Listen, when the zombie apocalypse does come you'll be begging us for help. Are yout barns zombie proof? Didnt think so.
Seana
I think we were this close to a Natural Born Killers style spree. That would have been good publicity for Dead I Well May Be I'll bet.
Patrick
Oh we'll be ok. I'll just be forced to turn in the pot smoking krishnas next door.
I knew I should have voted McGilloway. Your hair is frightening.
No offense--and I particularly mean this if you guys still have those guns--but when the zombies come, I think I will trust more to HardB's barns than to your aims.
Adrian:
Your plan approved.
Sacrifice the pot smoking krishnas.
10-4.
Marco
Later on that summer I started growing a beard too. You should have seen what I looked like by September.
Seana
You could be right. Perhaps I'll attempt to soothe the zombies with my accordion playing.
or maybe not.
Patrick
And they probably wont know notice that they're in jail for about a week or so, poor devils.
Possibly not, but getting spiritual seekers put in jail undoubtedly brings down some really heavy karma.
Funny thing, but when I was looking at that picture at work earlier, your haircut actually mostly blended into the walls or something and it looked very short, so I was wondering why everyone was being so hyper-critical. But now I see it more clearly, well, let's just say that it is a style that has come and gone.
And, though you never know, but I don't think it's coming back.
But I'm sure Colin Bateman is still tearing his heart out all the same. Not so much John Connolly, though.
OMG, that is the coolest author pic ever. Please get them to put that on your book jacket!!!
At first I thought that Trey was insane--sorry, Trey--but the more I think about it, the more I think he (or she) might actually be right. This may have been the missing element all along. Hey, I think I'll blow up the picture and put it up above Fifty Grand and see what happens.
The sacrifice will be, of course, that you will have to wear your hair like this for all your signings. And Professor Garrett may not be up for all the gun-toting she will have to do. (Perhaps the kids?) However, from recent posts, we may infer that your hair is pretty much like that now, or nothing a pair of hedge clippers can't remedy, so maybe it's not asking so much of you personally as at first glance it seems...
Seriously, is that hair for real? It's like Princess Leia got hit by a humidity tornado.
For once I agree with Ms Witch - the professor is indeed a cracker.
Cheers, Dec
I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but the way your labels are set up, the second line says "sexiest Irish crime writer, Stuart Neville"
I believe the oracle currently known as Google has spoken.
Trey
I too fear for your sanity, but I thank you for your support, unlike Marco who betrays me because of one bad haircut.
Ok a summer long bad haircut.
Seana
I am fortunate in that I have now found a barber simpatico. It only took a year. He's a highly strung character on Blessington Street and takes his job VERY seriously. He serves beer and cocktails in the barber shop, which I dont really think improves the experience, but he does great work. I dont want to give his name here because my implied criticism of his alchohol policy might put a black mark against me and I do not want to get barred.
Declan
I dont know what I was thinking. It wasnt too long after the birth of our oldest so I may have "let myself go" a bit. A feeble excuse I know. My hair does not grow long - it grows out. There are some hilarous childhood photographs I can tell you.
Seana
Oh I dont mind that but I will add my name to googley finder thing.
Police in Ireland have reported a high incidence of sarcastic voting and there is a high likelihood that the result will be declared null and void.
Mate, I would argue that John Connelly isn't even a crime writer, so guess what - #1 with a bullet, Krusty! BTW: PLOTS WITH GUNS
I think you'd look good with a beard.
Colin
Its those kind of remarks that could reignite the great Bangor - Carrick feud. Which is a losing prop for you mate, the old place has never been the same since the Vikings burned it to the ground.
Cameron
I think you mean
PLOTS WITH GUNS.
Very nice work BTW. A lot of good excellent stuff there! I'm going to have to cover the new wave of crime comics in a blog posting before Peter Rozovsky gets on the case.
Marco
You'd think but you'd be wrong.
thanks adrian, that is indeed what I meant :) *shakes fist* hyypperrlliinkk!!
Cameron
You're very lucky someone we know is out laying the foundations for his run at the Italian Presidency otherwise you'd be in for it.
My number one fear about effing up hyperlinks is indeed Marco. For some reason I picture him being like Mirco Crocop, the ultinate fighter, if for no other reason than "Mirco" and "Marco" are somewhat similar...
With that MP5, you look like you didn't quite make the cut to join Alan Rickman's crew in Die Hard.;)
A mix between Fabio, Kramer, and James Braddock from Missing in Action. That's one heckuva combination my friend. Nice MP5, my friend.
I don't understand why Chuck Palahniuk suggests to get some promo photos taken early on that you can use for years to come. Had that picture been on your author profile you might have sold a lot of books in many militia-ready states. You have a lot more courage than I do to put that out here for mass consumption. There are some photos of me with hair that would run a close second to your own. Mad respect!
You don't think that 'high-strung barber on Blessington Street' isn't enough of a clue? Even I could find that barber, which I would very probably do if I ever found myself in your neck of the woods, not to get my hair cut but to partake of the alcoholic beverages, of which I heartily approve.
It's funny how you let yourself go after the birth of your first child but your wife didn't--seeing as she was the one who actually, well,gave birth.
Greg, I think that when you win second place in such a prestigious event as the CAP sexiest Irish crime writer award, a kind of hubris sets in, where you think you are beyond the punishment of the gods or the internet. Actually, as you know from your work, it wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world if all those militias had read the Dead trilogy. Would have given them something literate to talk about on all those long nights out on patrol.
Marco for president. I like the sound of that.
Seanag, I like the way you think!
You could totally have the entire anime nerd niche (millions) on your side with that Spike Spiegel reminscent hair.
Think about it.
Adrian: I have been meditating on this image and I do, in fact, believe you look exactly like Andy Kaufman a certain era.
Cameron
I know what you mean, but he'll forgive you 1 mistake - only 1 though.
Liam
I never tire of seeing Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon.
Greg
I know what you mean. There's a photo of James Ellroy that still adorns his book jackets that must have been taken in 1990 before the release of LA Confidential. I remember also one author that I met in person and was quite surprised to see that they were easily 50 pounds heavier than their author pic. When they meet me however people might be pleasantly surprised by the normalcy of my hair.
Seana
Look, don't make any waves. The man's an artist and can't be messed with. He actually reminds me of the Soup Nazi a little bit.
Good point about the missus. She didnt exactly fall to pieces did she? Still arent women supposed to be able to cope with change better than men?
Matt
Die Hard, yippee kay yea!!
For some reason that movie always makes me want to kick it old school.
Christina
Actually the one Star Trek Convention I attended makes me think that I would blend in seemlessly into that world. In fact if I had shown up in that outfit with that hair I would have been on the chic end of the scale for those who didnt bother to dress up.
Patrick
I dont think even Andy Kaufmann would wear a beige shirt. That would have been one performance art piece too far.
Cameron, I wouldn't worry. It's only Adrian he holds to such a high standard, and that's just because Adrian eggs him on.
One of my friends who owns a little book store here that deals mostly with college textbooks found out that he had the reputation of being the Book Nazi. I am sure it was apt, but in real life, as opposed to retail life, he's usually a pretty nice guy.
Not only does your wife seem to have handled change better, I am willing to bet that she was humoring you about the guns.
I however, am not an exemplar of my gender, since adaptability is not one of my strong suits. I eventually come around, usually, but in the moment, watch out.
I'm about as closer to being Mirko Crocop as to the Italian Presidency.
And I resent the implication I'm a Hyperlink-Nazi.
I used to hang out with a guy named Mirko at the University.
Aye, we alliterated a lot. He looked like a Ken doll, but was very intelligent and, above all, had a wonderful sarcastic humor.
Last I heard he lived somewhere in California.
That would be funny if Mirko strolled up to the cash register at work today. I will examine the credentials of any man with an Italian accent quite thoroughly from now on.
No wonder you were pipped at the post...and I thought it was all a fix!
you look like sideshow bob
"Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho."
Seana
If I recall correctly she refused to go on the range. Now that I think about it this must been my birthday otherwise you couldnt have dragged her into a gun shop.
Marco?
Mirko and Marco?
You sound like a double act from the great era of silent Italian cinema.
Marco
Or two assassins in one of those Charlie's Angels movies.
Rafe
Nope it was a rude kind of justice.
Dylan
I think I stand by my Krusty the Clown observation, however I do have photographs of my late 70's and early 80's childhood when the Sideshow Bob observation is fair comment.
Brian
I saw Die Hard in one of the old cinemas in Times Square where people used to do a lot of talking and yelling at the screen. It was packed, the audience loved the movie and cheered at the end, one of the greatest cinematic experiences of my life.
Good writer, shite haircut.
Seana
He already had a flawless accent back then. But I'm sure his fair blonde hair and clean, hypervitaminized good looks will let him stand out among all those Californians.
Halfway between comedians and assassins, I think. I was the good/straight man, but his sarcasm could be both very funny and viciously evil.
Just back from concert (by the musicians in our list) / presentation/debate/buffet/more concert/beer/more beer. Two campaign days remaining, Saturday/Sunday the vote, Late Monday or Tuesday results.
Good Night.
I wasn't going to go by his good looks, because, as this post has proven even the second sexiest writer in Ireland has his bad hair days, so you never know. I thought I'd just look for his ID.
I think you took a few pointers from him--certainly not just the good straight man anymore.
Down to the last thrilling days, huh? Well, at least there's beer at the end, come what may.
Adrian,
Wow, wish I could have experienced that. My Dad loves to tell the story of when he saw Rocky in the theaters. He said people were cheering for Rocky during the fight at the end as if it were real. Granted, he was born, raised, and saw the film, in Philadelphia.
My own favorite cinematic experience was when the wife and I went to an "advance" (it had already been out in the UK for some time) screening of Shaun of the Dead. 75% of the audience was dressed up as zombies, they gave out cool hats as promotional items, everybody laughed at all the jokes, and everyone gave it a standing ovation at the end. Good times.
Hi, All:
Can't let any discussion involving James Ellroy go by without a hearty recommendation for his magnificent My Dark Places.
As a memoir / investigation of self, this is right up there with the other modern masterpiece of this genre, At Home in the World, by Joyce Maynard. This is the same writer who did To Die For, but she, like Ellroy in "Places," is as ruthless with herself as any third-party writer could ever be. All this and JD Salinger, too.
Who could ask for more?
Guaranteed no one will be filming a treatment of those books anytime soon, though they certainly should. (JDS would certainly sue!)
i would love "MY DARK PLACES: THE MOVIE".
peter
as long as Dave Torrans doesnt see the photo.
Seana
For the last 11 months its been bad hair weeks.
Marco
He probably WILL be in the next Charlie's Angels film then. Him and Cripin Glover as you.
Brian
My other great cinematic experience was also in times sq. or rather just off it in the Ziegfield. Got tickets to see a preview of Independence Day. All the stars were there (Will Smith rocked the house as you can imagine). Anyway the audience went mental and I left the place thinking Independence Day was the greatest film in the history of mankind.
Patrick
Funnily enough my next post will be about JDS.
My Dark Places is a great book I agree, I love it. This is what I should point Ellroy skeptics too I think rather than my own personal favourite The Cold 6000.
Cameron
Well it would be PRETTY dark, though I suppose you could play the panty stealing and sniffing scenes for laughs if you wanted.
Adrian,
I don't think you were alone in your initial assessment of Independence Day. Everybody seemed to think that was the greatest movie ever when they first saw it. But it has not aged well at all.
Unlike Will Smith.
Adrian: It's not funny, just my usual prescience.
HAHAHA! Dude, you rock.
gb
Ger
When you win next year you are hereby obliged to post a similar embarrassing pic.
Gerard, it's only if you come in second that you have to post the bad hair day picture. If you win, you just need to post a picture of yourself in a white shirt looking, well, something that rhymes with dreamy. Apparently that adjective is reserved for Gene Kerrigan, so you'll have to represent something else.(Don't worry about it. You only need to call John Connolly and ask him for advice.)
Brennan must have some good kung fu action pics.
Oh, yeah.
Seana and Adrian - I'm going to start working on my portfolio now. RE the kung fu pics -- A lot of the time you end up looking a bit mental in those pics. Must see if I can find any later.
gb
Mental is of course exactly what we're hoping.
Although I suppose a nice sane one will do nicely for first place. Ho hum.
Anyway, put them up and we will vet them.
Hmmm...dreamy Brennan in white shirt kung fu action pics...
I actually found some pics from seminars I attended a couple of years ago. They're on this new Wing Tsun site. I don't know how to pull them out of the Flash programme they have here. But if you start at the Germany Trip October 2006 album, I'm the second from the left in the first photo and appear in the last two.
There's a mugshot of me sixth from the end in the Seminar November 2006 album. This was a few days before my son was born and I'm surprisingly fresh-faced. Not so much now.
And then there's me again sporting a psychopath haircut in the second photo in the Seminar May 2007 album.
Feeling a bit nostalgic about the club now.
Cheers
gb
Oh you should post those regardless. They sound good.
I had a bit of a hard time sorting out the line up, Gerard. But when you say 'psychopath haircut', are you meaning the picture of the guy in black with the completely shorn head? Because I would call that hairstyle more 'convict' than 'psychopath'--not that the first precludes the second.
Seana - I think you've tagged me. Side profile, both hands up in front of me and goatee? If yes, then that's me. Sorry about the confusion. Wish I could figure out a way of downloading the pictures individually, but my skills are lacking.
And I think I like convict-hair better than psycho-hair.
Cheers
gb
I should have been writing, but instead I figured out how to rip those kung fu pics from the Wing Tsun Ireland online gallery. Posted them at my Live Journal.
Cheers
gb
I suppose it's not really convict or psychopath so much as very, very short. Which is not the way we've come to think of you. But think of it his way, if you add you both together then divide by two, you and Adrian have come up with the perfect haircut.
I'm impressed that you figured out how to rip those photos. A new skill and all.
yes those are some nice action pics. I think you've got next year's title in the bag my friend.
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