More and more men are reading magazines like GQ, Men's Health, Men's Fitness, Esquire etc. to learn how to primp and clean, how to apply discreet moisturizer, how to work on their pecs and abs and other crap like that, which they hope, ultimately, will get them girls. I'm in favour of men looking after themselves (although I draw the line at Pierce Brosnan's depressing ads for male make up) but what men in their twenties actually need instead of muscles is to learn some goddamn manners....
GQ and Esquire and the like should start telling young men how to behave around women because clearly they have no bloody clue. I was riding the #16 tram to St Kilda after taking my daughter to the World of Barbie Exhibit at Federation Square (yes you're right I should get some kind of Parenting Medal (feel free to nominate me for Father of the Year)) and I was stunned to see a tram full of women and children having to stand while all these young men just sat there reading their magazines or texting their friends or teasing their hair into interesting points in the window reflection. Not a single man got up to give a woman their seat. There were pregnant women on the tram, women with very young children, elderly women. Some of the men had a seat for themselves and a seat for their bag. All of them, by the way, looked great.
...
From the time of Aristophanes onwards people have been complaining about "kids today" but just because people have been complaining for 2500 years doesn't mean there hasn't been a real decline in standards of behaviour. I imagine if the Titanic went down this weekend, the young men would push the women and children out of the way as they swarmed for the lifeboats. And they wouldn't even know that they had done anything wrong. They'd just be laughing and high fiving that they'd made it while other poor suckers drowned.
...
Our society has obviously completely failed to teach young men basic manners. So, please, if you're an editor at GQ and the like maybe you could have a little section in each issue that outlines the rules of civilized behaviour. Here's your first three rules gratis: 1. You say "please" and "thank you"; 2.You don't bully waiters and clerks; 3 You give up your seat to women or elderly people. Why? You don't need to know why, asshole, you just bloody do it!
***
BTW I'm off to the UK and Ireland tomorrow for a couple of readings so I probably won't be able to respond to your comments from Saturday onwards. I'm sure some kind person will take up the mantle for me. Oh and if you're in Belfast on Wednesday come see me at No Alibis bookstore. (Plenty of seating will be on hand).
57 comments:
I agree, even though I've reached the age where my feet sometimes wonder why a young woman in a jock bra and Nikes won't offer me her seat. (Not that I'd take it, mind you. Well, not every time, anyway.)
Save travels and enjoy the trip.
I nominate you for father of the year, Adrian. Although you are probably tied with any other dads who showed up at that exhibition.
I think Dana's comment is the only extension I'd make on on your argument. I suppose everyone got confused when feminism dismissed acts of gallantry as patronizing. My thought has always been, why can't we all just hold the door open for each other? Stuff like that.
GQ's argument could be that after you've gone to all that work making yourself look gorgeous, you will be seen by more people if you're standing up than hidden away in a seat. I bet that would sell it.
I'll miss your comments, but I bet we can get Gerard to fill us in on at least the No Alibis leg of the journey.
Adrian,
Great post, brother. I'm going to be very suburban here and say I see more lack of manners in the big cities than I do elsewhere. (All you urbanites, feel free to flame me all you want.)
Safe trip and have a good time in Belfast. I hope the only six-packs you encounter there are of the drinking variety. Wish I could stop by No Alibis - maybe I will someday.
Of course, you probably also see more use of public transportation...
Hear, hear. This 'It's macho to moisturise' generation depresses the hell out of me.
Have a great time over here. Give gb a punch on the arm from me.
Adrian:
As the father of two sons, one of whom is 13 and still in production, I can say with confidence that young men of this era believe we are in a "post-manners" era, that sex-roles are passe, and that any small display of chivalry is hopelessly lame.
Girls have a much higher level of sophistication and social sense.
I communicate directly with all kinds of people in a days work and pleasure, and I'm always amused that that goth young thing who looks like the Bride of Dracula will often lovely manners and a genuinely caring attitude, regardless of her regalia.
Most young men, however, don't get that there is a difference between fashion and substance. They are much more literal. They believe that to look carefree is to be carefree -- to literally not care about anyone or anything beyond their own skin. And the media pushes this image with vigor, since the more emotionally isolated young people are, the easier it is to sell them products, like make make-up.
Development of some sense of caring manhood in the young male
is a long, hard process, but it does bear fruit. I work hard at it, but the best influence, I think, has been six years of Karate training in a great school with teachers that demand attention and respectful attitute from everyone in their classes. I have recently noticed my son displaying an amazing level of courtesy, especially in his tentative interactions with girs his own age, but he doesn't fool me. At heart he's still a barbarian. Full maturity will be a few more years in development.
Last time I've tried to give up my seat on the train it was to a man who probably didn't consider himself elderly enough. Or at least, that's how I explain the look of pure hate he gave to me.
This 'It's macho to moisturise' generation depresses the hell out of me.
Brennan moisturizes, therefore it is the MANLY thing to do.
at least none of you have them as your dating pool.
Course, I only get hit on by old homeless guys so I guess I have nothing to worry about. At least all the old homeless guys I've met have manners.
Slightly OT but that Titanic lifeboat looks like it could have taken a lot more people.
I'm 100% behind you on Nos. 1 & 2, but have had a dressing down or two from women about equality on number 3; it's a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation at times. One veteran of the equal rights movement gave me this ground rule: courtesy is giving up your seat or opening a door, etc. for a man or woman with their arms full, on crutches, etc. Chivalry is based oon the notion that women are a meek and frail species who must be looked after as they can't take care of themselves.
When in doubt, I offer, irrespective of gender. For women who are expecting or holding a small child (or even a man with a little one), always.
Not until I had my leg in a cast did I learn that the world is divided between those who are oblivious to others around them, and those who empathize. Anyone who has ever been on crutches knows what it means for someone to hold the door that extra moment --and those who don't. Watch for that knowiing nod of a able-bodied person who will carry their memories of being on crutches to their grave. That said, I'm still guilty of some carryover from my boy scout days, which sometimes runs counter to modern morays. I've been pleasantly surprised, too, when the rowdiest bunch of young people filling up the train just after school lets out will occasionally offer their seat ~there's hope for the next generation yet.
Marco - Jaysus, when did I admit to moisturising?
I'm definitely not one of your GQ boys, but this Christmas my missus bought me some L'Oreal stuff that's meant to make you look like you've had eight hours sleep rather than three. I asked her why she thought I would start using this now. She reminded me that the big three-oh was approaching (this month in fact) and told me I couldn't hide my wrinkles behind my glasses forever!
She does love me, though.
gb
PS. I agree with Adrian and PKL -- See, I just displayed an awareness of others! Feck your GQ.
gb, if you can make the long road to moisturizer, anybody can. And like Patrick's son with the karate, I'll bet that Kung fu group helped a lot. My sister is really happy to have her ten year old son--and eight year old daughter--in karate, for exactly the reasons Patrick says. They are also apparently learning Japanese, which is an interesting side benefit.
I think that when the feminist movement dreamed of equality, it didn't anticipate that for men to treat women like men, it meant to treat them in an equally cavalier fashion.
That said, I think the young men in Santa Cruz have fairly decent manners, all told. And like Christina, I generally find the homeless guys around to be particularly gallant--when they're not off their rockers with homicidal rage.
It's true that people are sometimes going to be offended when you offer them help--but that's sort of an aspect of what help implies, I think--not just for women, but for anybody. It doesn't follow that you shouldn't offer.
And, for the record, I'd be quite happy to be carried around in a litter and have doors open as if by magic for me, etc. But I would pretty much require that all the bearers wear, if not moisturizer, at least sunscreen.
Dana
I'm looking forward to a misanthropic old age where all my prejudices are reinforced by the oiks walking the streets. But it would also be night if I was confused by a sudden 180 degree change in behaviour and everyone started being polite and respectful to their elders.
Seana
I accept your nomination for Father of the Year. Actually that World of Barbie place might have made a good blog post all by itself. A surprising number of single women casting covetous eyes over the Barbies. The place was packed too and it was really under the spotlights. You know where I took sanctuary? The Ken room - no one had come to seen Ken.
Brian
I dont know for sure but I expect you're right. The country is always slower to catch up big city mores. The only problem is that age old "how ya gonna keep me down on the farm after they've seen Paree" thing? Once they've been to the city and adopted the bad habits its hard to shake em of them.
Michael if you want to really be depressed you should watch that Pierce Brosnan make up ad. The man was 007 for crying out loud.
Patrick
I've never done martial arts myself but I love the idea of it, especially learning patterns and discipline and I do like the formal structure and the training. I think that could be great for kids. And if it teaches them another culture and how to handle themselves thats a good bonus.
I saw a fist fight not too far from my house a couple of months ago. Two 16 year old boys throwing these big hay makers at each other and missing until a bunch of girls who were with them broke it up. An utter embarrassment.
Marco
Yeah I agree with Seana, you still have to do it even with the evil looks, as I think Montaigne once said, "the road to virtue lies over the stoney ground".
Christina
I feel sorry for you with those eejits lurking about. You should move to Denmark, I dont know much about the men there but they always seem pretty nice when they're travelling abroad.
Ian
Good call. Yup Titantic lifeboat and it looks like they could have doubled the capacity and still been pretty seaworthy.
Circuitmouse
When I see a heavily pregnant woman having to stand and some eejit sitting there with his legs sprawled out over his seat and the opposite. If I hadn't been on that tram with my 7 year old there could have an incident, which probably would have ended with me getting my arse kicked.
Brennan
Thats right you're 29 so really you're too blame for all of this with your fancy mosturising ways. And I'll bet you're a fan of that Burts bees lip balm, that I, er, like too.
Marco - Jaysus, when did I admit to moisturising?
These blogs have ears.
Remember, at 30 the rest of your life is just beginning! (But it will be an unstoppable downward spiral into geezerdom and "kids today" posts).
Actually that World of Barbie place might have made a good blog post all by itself. A surprising number of single women casting covetous eyes
All is explained.
Marco
Geezerdrom - Testify.
Ha, wait till you turn 40 and your knees ache and you're older than James Bond and Dr. Who.
Happy Independence Day oh thread readers...
Last July 4 my US passport arrived by Fed Ex (it was actually July 3 but this makes a better story) while on the very same day my little brother was riding about in Iraq on Blackhawks. Every Blackhawk heli carries one or more US flags which are then certified as being "carried on a combat mission" and given to a family member or relative of service personnel. My little brother had the flag from his July 4 heli ride certified and sent to me and it now has pride of place in my study.
What I'm saying is that I'm Irish born and proud of it, but proud too of my adopted country, especially those places where I've spent good times and bonded with the people and the land somehow: New York City, Northern Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Colorado, Tennessee, Chicago, San Francisco, New Orleans, New Mexico.
Anyway Happy Birthday America. And down with the British except when its my little brother coming to save your fat ass.
I was never all that into Barbie, though as a girl, I did play with them from time to time. I only had her, but was always happy when someone had a Ken as well. You could do more interesting story lines. I remember, after a particularly interesting episode on TV the night before, trying to turn all of them into an episode of the Wild Wild West.
And yes, from what I understand, Barbie collectors are multitudinous. Have no idea of their demographic, but I think I even saw a little documentary on it once.
Bon Voyage.
Seana
The collectors were quite something. Eccentric is perhaps the kindest word I can use.
I'm sure you will have lots of material after Ireland, but if you get a moment, a masculine view of the whole thing would be enlightening. Or maybe not, but fun anyway. The Ken room. Who'd have thought? I realized after the last post that I too found Ken, well, inadequate, because I remember wishing fervently that I could turn him into the mad scientist who could stop time, who I persist in thinking may have been Broderick Crawford. I had a fertile imagination, but that damn Ken wouldn't budge.
I am going to disagree with my Philadelphia-area friend Brian and say that atrocious manners are the one thing that binds all from Greater Philadelphia together, regardless or race, age color or creed. For every young slob with his tuchus hanging out, blasting his music in a Broad Street subway car, there is a rich slob of an old white lawyer bellowing important instructions into his cell phone on the Paoli local to Bryn Mawr.
In these tempore, no one has any mores.
PKL, I like your Goth comment. I was once on a crowded bus when a pregnant woman got on. Before I could rise to offer my seat, the only others who did the same were a young, dreadfully self-defaced Goth couple. This lesson has stayed with me.
Since I may be the only person here who has met Gerard Brennan, I can tell you that his skin maintains that youthful shine. L'Oreal -- because you're worth it.
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Detectives Beyond Borders
“Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter -
You make a good point. My wife takes the train to and from Center City everyday, and so the people she complains about are not necessarily from the City. So perhaps, as Seana alluded to, it's more a public transportation thing.
Was the jab at lawyers intentional or unintentional, BTW? :)
I had to tell the wife to stop sharing her commuter horror stories with me, because they make my blood boil. Some dude practically pushed her out of the way last month to catch a train, and I wanted to literally track him down and beat him till to an inch of his life, show him a picture of my wife, then finish the job. He wouldn't have learned anything, but at least I would have felt better.
Brian, the jab at lawyers was so embarrassingly unintentional that I went back and corrected the comment to make my intent clearer. I cringed when I realized what you might think, and I made the correction promptly.
The contrast I intended was between young, black, urban and not so well off on the one hand, and older, white, suburban and rich on the other. I could as easily have chosen stockbrokers.
Have you read Ken Bruen's novel Calibre, whose serial killer kills people who have bad manners?
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Detectives Beyond Borders
“Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter,
No worries, man, I got a huge laugh because yes, that's how a lot of lawyers are, i.e. oblivious to the people around them.
I have yet to read a Bruen novel, but I hope to remedy that soon.
BTW, Happy 4th!
Brian, you're a prince among men, so probably in the wrong profession.
Here's a lawyer story. My friend has worked as a paralegal for years, and being my contemporary, is no longer in shall we say the first bloom of youth. She has gotten so inured to lawyer culture that she didn't see anything wrong with the fact that the lawyer she was helping was actually dropping pieces of paper on the floor as he dictated his requirements while she groveled at his feet picking them up, until a temp worker pointed it out to her.
Happily, she has moved on to doing contract work, and works from home. Now she only has to deal with the rude dictates of the neighbors.
Seana
The Ken Room was very sad. The women and girls were interested in Barbie's outfits and hair styles over the years (did I mention there were a lot of security guards protecting the early Barbies) but poor old Ken hasnt changed that much and his clothes are dull so no one cared.
Peter
As long as you resist the temptation to actually intervene. that stuff only ever works in the movies - in real life you'll get a kicking. Unless like Brennan you have hidden martial arts skills.
BTW on the plane over I started The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and in one early blackly comic scene they smuggle the Golem of Prague to Vilnius in 1939 to save it from falling into Nazi hands. Good stuff.
Brian
That's very understandable and what would be great about it (if you survived the confrontation) is that you could defend yourself in court.
I'm pretty sure Brian could survive a confrontation with the kind of jerk who would shove a woman out of the way in order to get to some meeting on time. It would be pretty great when he insisted on defending himself and the judge gave him a pitying look and then he proceeded to hammer the nails into the bastard's coffin.
Also, wouldn't 'The Ken Room' be a great title for a short story? You know, it practically writes itself.
Adrian, real life is stranger than you give it credit for. On one occasion I did intervene, and the subject's utter refusal to acknowledge my existence, much less the subject's rudeness and lack of consideration, threw me into profanity-laced rage -- to which the cell-phone-using subject remained equally oblivious. So the whole thing petered out into a weird anticlimax.
==============
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
"The Ken Room was very sad. ... poor old Ken hasnt changed that much and his clothes are dull so no one cared."
"... wouldn't 'The Ken Room' be a great title for a short story?"
The story, of course, will be called "A Ken Room of One's Own."
==============
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Peter
Its more like one of those pieces you hear on This American Life. If I was David Sedaris I could make it hilarious, alas, I am not David Sedaris so my effort would come out sounding like, er, one of those pieces you hear on This American Life.
Seana
No security guards in the Ken Room either. Poor, poor old Ken.
Even in my time, there were rumours about a relationship between Barbie and Big Jim. Some alleged that their marriage was a fake and Ken was secretly gay. And wikipedia tells me that Mattel introduced on the sly two Ken's "best friends", Alan and Allan. Of course with the world of dolls being so "family values" and all, they could never divorce and have to play the perfect marriage for the public.
Adrian, it occurs to me that with your Project Runway devotion, you maybe could have gotten a bit more into the spirit of the thing.
There was a great commercial a couple of years back advertising god knows what, but it had Ken and Barbie driving around the house to some really good music. It was a whole little story , with another woman and everything. It was the only time I've ever really seen Ken look cool and not just Barbie's hanger on.
In the "Doll's House" storyarc of the Sandman Rose Walker (a character modeled by Gaiman on Christina/Roisin probably by means of oniric clairvoyance) meets Kenneth and Barbara ("all our friends call us Ken and Barbie, ha ha ha") an ever-smiling couple so reminiscent of their namesakes that they give her the creeps.
Towards the end of the arc we see a glimpse of their dreams - Ken's dreams are barely sketched black and white vignettes about success, power, violence and sex, while Barbara has a series of ongoing and minutiously detailed technicolor dreams about her adventures in a world reminiscent of Narnia.
Later in the series we unexpectedly encounter Barbara again; she's now living in a very bohemian New York environment and recounts to a friend the story of her divorce - their relationship had devolved in a series of bitter fights and Ken had even begun to bring home his new lover, a a girl looking like a younger Barbara called Sindy .
Soon after the world of Barbara's dreams catches up with her and her new friends, but this has nothing to do with dolls anymore...or does it?
Hi Adrian,
Okay, I'm not into "slagging off" per se, nor is this criticism (as I said, I have enjoyed all your novels that I have so far read). This is simply an observation.
The work in question is The Dead Yard. I don't know if this work is published in both PB and HB, but my references come from the HB version, ISBN-10 0743266439.
So our beloved Michael Forsythe (henceforth MF) finds himself in the dwang and needs to make good in order to avoid the dreaded burritos-for-life diet. Enter the lovely handler, Samantha (that's not an instruction btw) offering a reprieve for good deeds to be done.
p.29 We get the outline: MF is to take on the persona of Sean McKenna, don the Superman shirt, curry favour, and ingratiate himself with the splinter cell.
The next 150 or so pages get into the plot development whereby MF, although under close scrutiny from the delightful Touched, earns enough Boy Scout badges to attain credibility with his new employers. The boy comes good in the bank job without compromising his position, and his status rises.
The next job is the bungled attempt at ripping off some C4 from the National Guard armoury. Again, MF reacts coolly under pressure to the bag of shit they find themselves in but ends up having to off Seamus in order to save the soldier's life. MF spills the beans to the soldier in order not to compromise the op.
So far, all is well and good. IMHO the plot is watertight, the characters are well-developed, credible, and consistent. MF makes his escape (Jackie boy having already done a runner), RVs with Samantha, and explains what has happened, followed by a healthy slice of how's your father.
p.174 MF makes it back to the house and is greeted (by Touched) thus: "Jesus, Sean, thank God you made it." However, the very next words spoken (again by Touched) are: "What happened, Michael?"
Bang, there goes the plot integrity. The whole story revolves around the successful integration of an alternate identity into the splinter cell, yet the main man (MF) is being addressed by his REAL name by the most suspicious member (Touched) of the cell. To compound it MF responds to the question directly with: "It was terrible, Touched, it all went wrong. Terrible." Nothing out of MF's lips about "What are you talking about? Who the fcuk is Michael?" or anything similar. Maybe MF didn't attend the espionage 101 class, but that is unforgivable. What is more unforgivable is that it wasn't caught before going to print.
So we know at that point that it isn't merely an attempt by Touched to catch MF out by addressing him by his real name in the midst of a high-stress moment when his guard may be down to see if he responds automatically; rather, it is a failing/oversight by the editor and/or proofreader to ensure that integrity is achieved and the plot maintains its watertight nature.
Indeed, MF's true identity is only revealed to any member of the cell at p.237 when he himself confides in Kit after taking her cherry and trying to do the right thing by her. Kit then divulges the truth to the group (p.241), and they come a-chasing after our hero. Touched looses off a round into MF during the hunt on p.244, and in response to Jackie's question of "Is he dead?" responds with "No way, he's not dead. Don't think he'll die from that. Will you, Sean? Or whatever your name is. Just winged him, Jack." So even at this point Touched still doesn't know MF's real identity, yet 70 pages earlier he's already called him by his real name.
By p.261 Touched is definitely aware, from two separate sources (Kit and Peter, the general's son) of the real identity of MF, yet there is no allusion to the incident earlier when he called MF by his real name along the lines of: "You know where you went wrong? You know when I knew something was rotten in Denmark? I'll tell ya. You answered to your real name after that botched armoury heist." Touched even goes on to display knowledge of Michael Forsythe as being Darkey's assassin, so obviously the name might/would ring a bell if he was simply playing MF all along and waiting to catch him out.
So what is my purpose in bringing this all up? It would appear (at least by your IB blog), that you are a fan of consistency and accuracy in a story. So am I. It is merely something I thought you'd like to be aware of, if you weren't already. I am not vain enough to believe I am the only person to have ever noticed this errata, but if I am then please read my post script with genuine consideration in mind.
Certainly, it warrants discussion with your publishers. You, sir, are a fine author. And, as I've previously stated, I much enjoy your work. I would not wish to see your success or status compromised due to an absent-minded and negligent publisher. I believe this particular piece won an Audie Award. I wouldn't like to think of you being deprived of a hard-earned Silver Dagger for such a schoolboy error in the future.
IMHO you should be more welcoming and receptive of praise. You earn and deserve it. To repeat, this is neither a slagging off nor a criticism of your work; merely an observation.
Sean
Its just a misprint. We fixed it for the audiobook, the paperback, the British edition and the French edition. It only appears in the first run hardback of the US edition. Sorry if it spoiled your enjoyment of the book.
Well, I had already found it, not because I'm meticulous but because I am too lazy to ever unsubscribe to anything.
Yes, your response to Sean here is a bit terse, considering that it is quite obvious that he is a kindred spirit--and it takes one who is not one (ie, being instead one who idles away whole chapters of life in blithe oblivion to its inconsistencies) to know it.
Good work, Sean--he'd be thanking you if the misprint hadn't been discovered already.
Sean, Seana (cute huh?)
I admire Sean's powers of observation, but I think maybe Occam's razor could have been applied here: is there an entire subtext that undermines the premise of the book and makes a mockery of its ability to tell a coherent story or is it just a word transposed by the printer?
BTW Rowley Mass, finest icecreams in the world at White Farms on route 1A. I particularly rec the butter crunch with chocolate jimmys.
Sean
Oh and one more thing, at least it proves you read the book which is more than I can say for most of the reviewers.
True, but you know how small things can jump out and take you out of a book like that. It's unfortunate, but it's happened even to me. And once seen, can't be unseen.
I really hope that 'Sean' isn't another one of my personalities showing up to plague me. He sounds a lot more with it than 'Suzie', and would inevitably take over my whole psyche if so.
Hi Adrian,
Thanks for the clarification - glad to see it got sorted out. For the record, I contacted Simon & Shuster back in April '07 in an attempt to point it out; sadly, they didn't have your good grace and couldn't even be bothered to respond.
What prompted my correspondence was the fact that I have read three of your novels thus far and found errata in two of them. Far from complaining about your literary skills, which are clearly abundant, I merely wished to express my concern at the apparent lack of professionalism in publication of your work. Further, my offer still stands with regard to gratis proofing; that wouldn't have got past me, even on a first read.
I duly note your objection of "Cumulative, Your Honour."
Assuring you of my continued readership...
p.s. If you need donations for Mr. Killeen's leche I'd be happy to offer a donation. What a wanker.
Sean
No worries. Funnily enough I have trouble contacting Simon and Schuster myself these days but thats a whole other issue.
Its an interesting point though. Whenever I do a reading I always read from the galley because every time I've read from the actual book I've found a mistake and been absolutely horrified. One time I found an entire chapter missing. So now when I read from the galley and find a mistake I comfort myself with the thought that maybe the editor, or the copyeditor or the printer found it. They probably didnt but thats how I keep my sanity.
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