Saturday, September 10, 2011

Wankers On Sixth Avenue

Great story in The New York Times this week about Amazon.com's new publishing arm and how it's scaring the major New York publishers. Amazon, apparently are recruiting a few big name authors as well as the self published, the unpublished and the incompetently published for its new division. This is brilliant news. The New York book publishing world is largely run by eejits who don't know their arses from their elbows. It's a hyper conservative industry whose main job is to push down our throats the latest Stephen King bollocks or chick lit crap or Eat Pray And Shite or whatever its bloody called. These people are killing reading as a past time in America because of their lowest common denominator middlebrow always the dollars attitude. I've met quite a few of these emasculated, chinless wanks and they're all pretty ghastly yes men with a staggeringly narrow frame of reference. Will Amazon.com do a better job at giving us some original voices who really reflect America? Honestly, they can't do any worse. 
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If I was running Amazon.com's publishing arm these are the seven rules I'd have for my buyers. Why seven? Well by #7 I'd got this blog post out of my system hadn't I?


1. Don't publish any books that were written while the author was "experiencing real life" between terms at Harvard or Yale.  
2. No books about a dog or a cat that changed the author, unless it was a cat or dog that ripped the author's face off like that monkey did to that woman a few years back. That might be ok. 
3. No journeys to exotic locales to find yourself unless you find yourself becoming a heroin mule or a shoe bomber - again that might be interesting.
4. Nothing that Janet Malcolm could possibly like.  
5. Nothing by bloated, pig ignorant plutocratic radio talk shot hosts who wouldn't know a fact if the fact was to wear a fact T shirt and dance around saying I'm a fact, I'm a fact, I'm a fact like that bastard annoying map in Dora The Explorer. 
6. Hey do you like ALL the stuff you read in the New Yorker? You think it's funny and incisive? Do you? Yes this is a bloody test. Sorry you're not right for us chum, keeping on walking down to the bloody polo club or the yacht polishing society or wherever it is you tossers go.
7.  Here's another test: how do you feel about Bono? Is he A) a talentless shortarsed hypocrite who makes you want to shed your skin from sheer embarrassment or B) a renaissance man. 
8. Oh that's right it's out of my system now.