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As far as I'm concerned you are not yet a man if:
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1. You don't know how to strip a motorcycle engine.
2. You drink "lite" beer, or "lite" anything.
3. You've never changed a nappy/diaper.
4. You drink cappuccino, or soy anything.
5. You've never been in a fist fight.
6. You've never been in a fist fight and lost (the day I met my wife for the first time I had two black eyes).
7. You've never hitch-hiked.
8. You've never yelled at a referee/umpire/politician/copper.
9. You've never thought "Jesus, I could actually die doing this."
10. You don't read fiction.
11. You are strangely unmoved by the Fiona Apple Criminal video.
12. You use 'product' in your hair.
13. You can't recite the first verse of Kashmir.
14. You listen to Coldplay.
15. You have never defended an orphanage with a hammer against a gang of thugs with machetes, like this dude.
16. You go against the advice of Tim Gunn (even if that advice contradicts any other of the rules on this list).
17. You prefer NFL to rugby.
18. You order Guinness by the half pint.
19. You support Manchester United.
20. You've never heard of Patrick Leigh Fermor.
21. You read GQ or Men's Journal or Esquire in a place that isn't the doctor or the dentist's.
22. You've never urinated against a wall while holding a kebab.
23. Your favourite flag (other than the flag of your own country) is not the flag of the Republic of Mozambique.
24. You have never brewed your own beer/distilled your own moonshine.
25. Your favourite book is Battlefield Earth.
26. You've never gone into a biker bar, put The Smiths on the jukebox and stayed to listen to it.
27. You've never spent your birthday morning shooting assorted handguns at Bob's Indoor Tactical Range on route 1 before getting a six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale and drinking it at the driving range over a couple of baskets of balls.
28. You didn't get teary eyed at the denouement of Field of Dreams.
29. You can't immediately identify these quotations: "Charlie don't surf!" "Shomer Shabbos!" "Open the pod bay doors, Hal." "We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb."
30. Or this quotation: "The first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied...and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."
63 comments:
I'm intrigued to know more about Manly Virtue #26. Where was the biker bar, and more importantly, which Smiths' song? Hand in Glove?
Good thing I'm not applying for manhood, I've never even thought about several of those things.
I agree with most but would like to add, Real Men love cats and Real men wash their hands after weeing whilst holding a kebab. Any chance of inclusion?
On a side note. I popped into a biker bar for a quick one once and was pleasantly surprised to find Bananarama on the jukebox so i whacked Venus on, sat down and daintly sipped at my G&T (cos I is a real woman and real women dont swig pints, unless they play in a darts team) Noticed leather clad baldy menfolk with impressive facial furniture, pot pourri in the tidy pink toilets. It was a biker bar, but the only sure way of provoking a fist fight would have been to slag off Barbara Streisand. And I kid you not the place was called The Bush. So thats my lasting image of biker bars.
Sad news Adrian
http://www.sevenstreets.com/talk-and-opinion/rip-john-christopher/
Well, I at least now know who that Fiona Ipod character is, not bad actually. 17, 18 & 19 are gimme's. Your wife is obviously attracted to pandas, & does pissing on a kebab whilst being held up by a wall count?
I aint having Field of Dreams though, how about the Fields of the Nephilimn instead?
I like that Mozambique flag.
But it's been a long time since anyone made the argument for being a man. Seems like a lot of work and sacrifice (rugby over the NFL? I can understand playing rugby, but watching it?) for what?
Sheiler
Fort Collins. Panic.
Glenna
Some things you definitely shouldnt think about.
Frankie
Real men do love cats. And dogs. And know how to call them over like Donald Sutherland in the Eagle Has Landed.
Good biker bar account.
Matt
I met him once. I'm hazy about the circumstances. He may have come to speak at the University of Warwick SF&F society.
Swooper
Pissing on a kebab is acceptable. Accidents will happen. I vomited on a soldier's leg at a roadblock once, but again that's another story.
John
In your case you can substitute NHL for NFL.
I'm not getting the spear throwing thing. Who throws spears at whom in your house?
Ken
I throw spears at the girls.
But only when they are reciting poetry.
They also throw spears at me.
But again only when reciting poetry.
America loves Charles Dickens but Dickens hated America:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyQGWuHGzJI
Real men prefer Amy Winehouse to Christina Aguilera, concede that Judi Dench is a better actress than Halle Berry, and will consider seeing Winter's Bone without insisting I watch The Departed.
Real men who work in supermarkets don't get squeamish when asked to stock the feminine hygiene section.
Imaginative men can identify with at least one heroine from books or movies.
Anon
Everyone should see Winter's Bone. Its that rare thing in Hollywood a blue collar story that isn't condescending.
I'd amend this and say "You're also not sane if you've done ALL of these", as well as "If you're still trying to accomplish this list, you are under the age of 35 or suffering from arrested development."
But it's a nice thought. As long as you don't actually piss ON the kebab.
Oops, sorry Swooper, I rushed to judgment there, man. My condolences to both you and the kebab.
By that reckoning I'm about half a man, which won't be a surprise to my wife.
#1 Aren't there members of the labouring classes one can hire to do this?
#6 My wife blackened my eyes when we first met. She misheard when I asked if she could strip a motorcycle engine.
#9 I've said that several times at buffets. Does that count?
#19 Manchester United? That's soccer, right? Sorry, I only follow mens' sports.
#23 It's a bit busy for my taste.
#26 There's a Hell's Angels clubhouse not three blocks from my house, so I'll have to go in and give this one a try. Maybe they could strip my bike! It's a Schwin.
#28 The ending of The Outsiders is far more tear-inducing, in a manly sort of way.
LH
We're all suffering from arrested development. Its the twenty first century condition. At least compared to our fathers and grandfathers.
David
I'll give you a pass on everything then as long as you dont listen to Coldplay. That I'm afraid is the deal breaker.
Cary
Definitely counts at buffets. In fact Kobayashi is a role model for the kids if you ask me. Its a scandal that he's been kept out of the Nathans hot dog eating contest.
I'd always thought that to be a man one just had to grow up. Silly me.
Mark
Oh yeah forget about that. Yeah that works too.
"In your case you can substitute NHL for NFL."
But not if you root for any team called the Ducks.
A friend of mine once said soccer is not a real sport because in real sports, men use their hands.
So basically there are no real men except Anthony Omari. A fact I've long suspected but haven't been able to put my finger on till now.
I never heard that part about the two black eyes meeting with your wife. Confirms my sense that she must be a transcended being. That and the fact that she was willing to take that photo in the gun shot with you. Good sport and transcended being are pretty much equivalent in my book. Probably because I'm not that good a sport yet.
gun SHOP.
Peter
God no. No team called the ducks can be followed or supported in any shape or form. The Pittsburgh Penguins however are cool. Its hard to explain why this is the case but it just is. Justice Potter excuse...
Seana
I think you're right. No man save Anthony can be considered to have made the mark. And I'll bet he recognises the Mozambique flag too.
Although I dont know where he stands on Patrick Leigh Fermor.
My learned friend meant Justice Stewart, of course.
Even the great have their flaws. He may even have a weakness for lattes.
Your list is far too long. Such lists should be simple and should usually observe the rule of three.
For instance, Nelson Algren's A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE quote: "Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman who has more troubles than you."
The quote from Salinger's CATCHER IN THE RYE is a good one, but your quotes simply remaind me of a quote from Walker Percy's THE MOVIEGOER, which, in a banner year, won the National Book Award over CATCH-22 and A SEPARATE PEACE:
“Other people, so I have read, treasure memorable moments in their lives: the time one climbed the Parthenon at sunrise, the summer night one met a lonely girl in Central Park and achieved with her a sweet and natural relationship, as they say in books. I too once met a girl in Central Park, but it is not much to remember. What I remember is the time John Wayne killed three men with a carbine as he was falling to the dusty street in STAGECOACH, and the time the kitten found Orson Welles in the doorway in THE THIRD MAN.”
Movies and novels are a part of the cultural soup we all swim in, whether we have seen them or not.
By the way, I'm half-way through COLD COLD GROUND now and will be reviewing it on my blog and at Amazon in a day or two.
I was intriqued by the mention of CATCH-22 amd then the introduction of Dr. Cathcart but now I suspect that the name Cathcart will take on a entirely different significance here.
A mighty excellent novel so far, I'm pleased to say.
Richard
Yes the rule of threes is an excellent one and can applied in almost all occasions.
Cathcart was coincidental after the Catch 22 but probably subliminal. What happened was that until the page proofs I had many real characters in under their real names and at that stage was forced to change them so some of the names are a bit random...
Peter, Seana
At least I didnt say Sherman Potter.
Christopher Hitchens's last essay ever, here...
Just a couple integrations one might wanto to consider:
#3... or you still wear one.
#22... and all with the same hand.
After reading this it looks like I'm now going to have to break it to my partner that I'm a big girls blouse.
Thanks Adrian.
I was struggling at number 1 but happy with the Manchester United and Coldplay jibes.
Or Harry Potter. As for the opening lines of Led Zeppelin songs, five me "Ah, ah, ahhhh, UHHHHH! Ah, ah, ahhhh, UHHHHH!" any day.
Hey, my review of COLD COLD GROUND is up. With eye candy.
http://trackofthecat.blogspot.com/
1.If you've ever watched a tribute band
2.Thought Bill Hicks was shite
3.Condemned violence in sport as unacceptable and a bad role model for kids
Gigi
That second one would be an impressive achievement.
Peter
Wait isn't that the middle portion of Whole Lotta Love? during the greatest drum solo of all time.
Paul
Well you dont have to be one thing or the other. There is the middle ground you know.
Remy
Can you imagine what a Man Utd Coldplay fan would look like?
Richard
Excellent stuff!
Thanks brother I appreciate it.
Neil
I was thinking about Bill Hicks this week during those awful Superbowl Ads.
Bill hicks on Jay Leno and advertising
That's the beginning of "The Immigrant Song," you Coldplay-listening, double-mocha-latte-sipping, Coors Lite-swilling, Manchester United-liking specimen of exhausted post-industrial masculinity.
I would probably ease off the spear throwing games before your girl become teenagers.
Just a piece of advice from the other side of the gender wars.
Although I think John may be right in thinking those wars may be over. Sort of.
Someone who lives in Guildford, goes to Glastonbury and who lets their hair down by wearing a wacky Homer Simpson tie.
Peter
I've been avoiding Led Zep III because of overplayment issues.
Remy
Going to Glastonbury might be a huge catch all. I think I'm down with you on that one. Or burning man.
Led Zep III overplayed and "Whole Lotta Love" not? By Jove!
Pete, the scary thing is I actually recognize that as "The immigrant song."
Just as any normal person would.
I have been to Bob's on Rte 1 on a Saturday morning. I love the smell of cordite in the morning, on a Saturday.
I have been to Bob's on Rte 1 on a Saturday morning. I love the smell of cordite in the morning, on a Saturday.
Never get a tattoo with a woman's name unless it is the name of your mother or your daughter.
Tim
Its a good place to go on a wet Wednesday afternoon as well.
Brad
VERY sound advice that.
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