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| Ok so not all Aussie women look like this, but on Chapel Street, Melbourne a good percentage of them do, hence the infamous "Chapel Street Creep" |
1. The default position of the average Australian is friendly and nice. (This is not true of my homeland where the default position of the average Ulsterman is dour and suspicious.)
2. Australian meat pies are dodgy but good.
3. Books in Australia are more expensive than in any other country in the world (except NZ where only Peter Jackson and the Prime Minister can afford to buy books).
4. The weather in Melbourne is perfect. The winters are cold but not too cold. The summers are hot but not too hot. There is no humidity.
5. Australians go on about Gallipoli an awful lot. Its lucky they werent at the Somme like my grandfather. Seriously, mate, the Somme makes Gallipoli look like a triumphant success.
6. Australia, somewhat surprisingly, is an incredibly rich country. The money comes from the vast natural resources that Australians have been selling to a booming China. The Aboriginals whose land the natural resources are on, of course, are still in dire poverty. I don't really get why this is so.
7. Aussie Rules is a pretty silly sport. Its adorable that Melburnians get so excited about this parochial stop-and-start inferior form of Gaelic football.
8. Australians don't like pretension. Pretentious Australians are forced to emigrate to England or New York. I'm looking at you Peter Carey, Clive James, Robert Hughes, Germaine Greer...
9. Shane Warne is the Australian most Australian men would aspire to be like. This is a bit of a mixed bag. I dig the sporting talent and the George Best style skills with the ladies but I'm not convinced by the botox, the dyed hair, the whitened teeth...
10. St Kilda is the greatest neighbourhood on planet Earth.
11. Unlike America or England Australia does not generally worship the rich and the upper classes. Again, a very good thing.
12. The Victoria Police are hassling bastards.
13. Australian pop music is the worst in the world.
14. Australian home grown TV is very nearly the worst in the world.
15. Australians are funny. Australian professional comedians are not funny.
16. Australian newspapers are aggressive, competitive and pretty good.
17. Australian beer has improved dramatically in the last 4 years.
18. The best sport in Australia is rugby league: specifically the State Of Origin series.
19. You cannot get a decent cup of black coffee anywhere in this whole country.
20. Tasmania is awesome.
21. The words "hoon" "larrikin" and "bogan" all apply to me.
22. The 19 hour flight to London is a goddamn nightmare. (I've done it six times now.)
22. Not everyone who went to Geelong Grammar School is a wanker but its a pretty high percentage.
23. There is virtually no ideological difference between the Australian Labor Party and the Australian Liberal Party. This makes Aussie politics pretty damn dull.
24. It costs 18 dollars to go to the cinema in Melbourne!
25. The Local Taphouse on Carlisle Street, Balaclava, is my third favourite pub in the world.
66 comments:
Excellent post, but I see that you're now part of the Aussie propaganda machine that always fails to mention the 1,001 deadly critters that strive constantly to eradicate all human life on the continent. Admit it, Adrian, you face death every day just in walking to the local cafe to get a bad coffee. Why no mention of the venom-spitting wallabies? The spiders that tamper with car brake cables? Snakes that send poison pen letters? By the way, which Wiggle is the most venomous?
Re: point 17 - the taste just slowly wears you down. The beer hasn't changed.
Cary
I admit I've grown used to the spiders. Big spiders, spiders as big as your hand that appear suddenly in your kitchen or living room. Perhaps that will change when I encounter the infamous funnel web which is smaller than the huntsman but can actually kill you.
Liam
Look the mainstream beers are shite, I'll admit, but the craftbrew situation has changed dramatically in the last 4 years. You can get craft brews all over the place now and better beers like Fat Yak and Little Creatures are commonplace.
A couple of real questions: have you noticed your accent changing? My son's teacher was from England, but after 10 or so years in Canada people kept asking if she was an Aussie. Also, TCCG was an immersive exploration of the region you grew up in. Did that cause any nostalgia attacks or a desire to move back?
Cary
Nope my accent hasnt changed. It changed a bit after I got to America giving it a slight Van Morrison vibe but then it solidified at about the age of 25 so thats its now a weird sort of North Belfast/with a dash of New York accent. My oldest daughter's accent has changed either but my youngest daughter has a total Aussie accent.
It was great to jump into the world of TCCG, especially Coronation Road where I was born and grew up but I doubt I'll move back.
But neither of them sound like Northern Irishmen, do they? I guess society trumps family on the language front.
I found Mad Men so unmemorable that I actually had forgotten it by morning, and had to look up the Slate posts on it to make sure I hadn't actually fallen asleep while watching it.
Very true.
I've gotta admit a huge fondness for Mountain Goat and Moo Brew.
It is great to see most bars not just stocking hear beers but having them on tap also.
Seana
It was a poor episode. I suppose the anticlimax is the cool thing to do now, Game of Thrones went the same route.
I still think this is the best season finale I've seen in a while: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F25i23DqVE&feature=related
Liam
Mountain Goat and Moo Brew are both excellent. The microbrew situation in Oz is about where the US was in 95. It will only get better and better.
I do too, and it wasn't because I was impressed with the season as a whole. Although I suspect I'd be more forgiving in the rewatch. They are having some sort of crazy marathon leading up to the new season, so I may catch a few.
In re Aussie critters, I hear that even quokkas (or is it koalas?) would just as soon piss on oyu as give you the time of day.
I also won't take your word that your accent hasn't changed until your mates from back home have weighed in.
===========================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com.
Seana
Breaking Bad is the best of those 3 I think. Game of Thrones S1 was good but there was a big drop off this year I felt. Mad Men was ok but lacked energy.
Peter
I dont think your accent really changes over 40 but mine definitely did in my early twenties taking on a distinct American twang. I have incorporated a few Australianisms into my lingo though: dunny for example. I also feel that when I go back to Belfast my voice drops an octave and becomes more monotonal, gravely and menacing, but thats just to fit in.
What you no like Aussie Rules? with the little shortie socks and vest top combo. Australia is a great country but i know I could never live there. I just couldnt watch England be beaten in any sport surrounded by a whole country of Aussies. Its bad enough in a pub in London.
Very interesting. Jesmond in Newcastle is the best neighbourhood on the planet. Listen . . . . you need to say something about Irish play Once that won eight Tony's at the awards ceremony in New York this weekend.
Frankie
In St Kilda you wouldnt be surrounded by aussies you'd be surrounded by Micks. Have the population of County Donegal is over here now.
Kikaren
Wait thats not the one with the guy from Gavin and Stacey is it? I thought that was a French farce?
My favourite Australian might be Rolf Harris actually. Very nice man and talented artist.
Frankie
And younger than most of the rock acts currently on MTV Australia or the singers on the Aussie Country channel.
Adrian
Would you recommend any books about Ulster and the Somme, or about Aboriginal Australians?
Do Aussies worship celebrities like we do in the US, and would Oz and NZ ever take Mel Gibson and Keith Urban off our hands?
Kate
There are quite a few books about the Somme and one or two about the annihilation of the 36th Ulster Division. A good overview of the Irish in WW1 is A Coward If I Return, A Hero If I Fall...
My favourite book about the Aboriginals is the excellent The Lamb Enters The Dreaming.
For contemporary fiction set among Aboriginals, you might mention our mate Adrian Hyland. ======================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com.
Peter, Kate
My wife's reading Gunshot Road as we speak and really liking it so far. (I've read all the Adrian Hyland books and enjoyed them tremendously).
Hyland is one of the few white Australian crime writers who acknowledges that Aussie success has come at a huge price for the indigenous people.
Adrian
Thanks very much for the recommendations.
(And thanks for writing Falling Glass - I finished it recently and really liked it.)
"Australians whinge about Gallipoli an awful lot. Its lucky they werent at the Somme like my grandfather. Seriously, mate, the Somme makes Gallipoli look like a triumphant success."
I believe about 8000 Australians died at Gallipoli, whereas about 23000 Australians died on the Somme. My grandfather, a Sydney railway worker, was injured on the Somme.
Aussie Whinger
Proving my point mate. Gallipoli was a sideshow. The real fuck up was the Somme. The Ulster Division alone had 6000 casualties in the first two days. The male population of entire towns and villages was wiped out. In the end Haig sacrificed half a million men for absolutely no gain whatsoever.
Aussie Whinger
And kudos for your grandfather and my grandfather for getting out of that epic disaster alive. Otherwise neither one of us would be here.
I doubt that anything makes Gallipoli looks like a triumphant success, though.
Aussie Whinger
Actually after a bit of research it turns out that no Australians were at the Battle of the Somme.
Australian forces were at the Battle of Fromelles, a diversionary attack fifty miles to the south of the Somme.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Fromelles
Your grandfather must have been there. Fromelles was another complete and utter disaster. 5000 Australians were killed, captured or wounded in several days of pointless fighting.
Seana
Well of course. 8000 Australians did die at Gallipoli... Alongside 22,000 Brits. (A fact that somehow doesnt seem to get emphasised very much in this country).
I know you are a scourge of false pieties, but Australians remembering Gallipoli doesn't seem like it really fits the case. Although of course you're right to point out the British losses.
Seana
No, of course its extremely important to remember the history, I agree, but its important to remember the true history not the propaganda or the Hollywood History.
It seems that Peter Weir's film Gallipoli has largely convinced Australians that Australian and NZ troops alone were involved in the Gallipoli operation, just as Saving Private Ryan has convinced many Americans that American troops alone were involved in D Day. Both countries forces were a minority in both operations. The fact that 3 times as many Brits died as Australians at Gallipoli hurts the national myth that exists in this country, that of gallant Aussie boys betrayed by aloof and incompetent Englishmen safe in their bunkers.
Thanks. This is a far better point than the one you originally made.
Of course, as far as D-Day goes, Americans did everything and no one else bothered to lift a finger.
Just kidding.
Seana
A better point perhaps but not as pithy.
Pithy isn't everything.
Seana
You may be right. I'll delete the word whinger, which in this country is only to be used to describe "whingeing poms" i.e. Brits who dont whole heartedly embrace Oz in all its glory.
Well, whinging isn't really part of the American vocabulary at all, though I think I know it from Eastenders.
Whiners are looked down upon, though.
The difference between America and Australia on their stance toward the English would probably fill several volumes.
I love whinge about as much as I love kvetch, and that’s a lot. I also like the humble English bellyache and its earthy relative piss and moan and the latter’s rare but delightful equivalent fart and squawk.
I also love words and expressions in various languages for complainers and for the retorts one might make to their complaints: nudnik. “Go soak your head.”
Não enche (meu saco)! and the concomitant Vai enche o saco doutro!, Portuguese for Don’t bust (my sack)! and Go bust somebody else’s sack!. I love the Yiddish Hak mir nicht in tchainik! and Drai mir nisht kain kop!, Yiddish for Don’t bang the teapot! and Don’t twist my head!
I’m on a whinge binge!
Oh, and the novel I’m reading now makes several references to Eastenders.
================================
Detectives Beyond Borders
"Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home"
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com
Whinge is a good word, but not for everything.
I'm back on to Eastenders,thanks to friends and technology.It has it's weak plotlines, but when it's good, it's really good. Shows like Mad Men could take a lesson or two from British soaps. Or at least this British soap, which is the only one I've ever seen.
Does my whinge binge make you cringe? (You may know that I loved Sr. Seuss when I was a kid.)
No, just a tinge unhinged.
I have always understood Pozieres to have been part of the Battle Of The Somme. Autralia lost as many men there, I think, as at Gallipoli.
As an Australian, I deplore what Anzac Day has become. When I was a kid, Anzac Day was about the men who went to the war, and the sadness of many of them not coming back, and the wasteful tragedy of generations of men being slaughtered in war. Now it has been hijacked by boastful wankers who wrap themselves in the flag and skite about how tough and self-reliant and brave we Australians are.
Macca
I know what you mean. The one thing you can say is that at least they know that one tiny bit of history which I guess is better than nothing.
Its really bizarre though the way the Turks who shelled and machine gunned the Anzacs have been turned into honourable opponents and the Brits have somehow become the real enemies, the wicked men who stabbed the Anzacs in the back.
Interesting list, Adrian. I have lived in Melbourne for five years, off and on, and I've become less fond of Australia over time. Maybe St Kilda has the magic. We've been in Essendon and Maribyrnong. My wife and I could be lumped with the Boomer group, I suppose, and I have found Aussies less friendly than I expected. It could be an inherited suspicion; when your shipmates were thieves, it was hard to trust your neighbour.
John
Well the default position is nice but they can be riled like anyone else. Victoria though is supposed to be the chilliest of the States in terms of hospitality. And Melbourne the second snootiest of the major cities (after Adelaide).
Good post! And funnily true in a lot of ways...
yes the whole gallipoli thing was a disaster (my great g'father was mown down at the landing and it affected my family greatly) and the media machine has latched onto that one as being a defining moment in oz history...i shudder at all the flag waving revelry that accompanies it every year...
and yes, where I am in Grey St, I could close my eyes and believe I am in Donegal...
too true, though a nodding acknowledgement has been given to the original inhabitants, very little change has occurred to improve health outcomes...that confuses and upsets me greatly...
ok and finally the meat pie crisis...a hit/miss affair though they beat the shit out of chiko rolls AKA maggot bags
Dan
Grey St and Carlisle Street are proof arent they that legalising prostitution in brothels doesnt necessarily get the hookers off the streets which advocates in the UK insist will happen. Nope.
I bet if they renamed it Fifty Shades of Grey Street, they'd get a whole new clientele.
Fifth Shades of Grey Hair, and they'd drive them all away.
Not if the new clientele was women and the,uh,escorts were men. Women have different criteria.
Really. Someone ought to market an anti-Grecian Formula 16 that adds gray.
Hmm, didn't one of those products market itself as leaving "just a touch of gray"? That one may even have had a woman on its marketing team.
My dad and his brothers all had very gray hair very young and they were all very striking looking men. Catholic guilt would have prevented them from being gigelos though.
Actually, his sisters all had very striking gray hair too, come to think of it.Unfortuantely, I didnt get that gene.
Yikes! One does not often come across a woman who complains about not having gone gray.
I don't know--the touch of gray effect doesn't seem to work so well for women. It's kind of an all or nothing thing.
I'm afraid you're right, through a streak of gray (white, really) didn't hurt Susan Sontag any.
Due to pressures of work I missed this when you initially posted it. I'd agree with nearly all of it, apart from the football stuff. I went to the first state of origin and it was very dull, although that might have been because the crowd was largely made up of uncomprehending Melburnians checking their emails. But I'd pick you up on one thing: Warnie USED to be the man we wanted to be. But then he was abducted by aliens and replaced with the imperfect plastic model you described.
coffee in Ireland must be awesome - I really like the black coffee here.
As for Aussie Rules I love it. Must check out Gaelic football to see if it really is more interesting.
I think any reasonable society would find Clive James to be a self-obsessed ratchetjaw so don't think him or (more worthwhile, often just as annoying) Germaine Greer living o/s says anything about us. Robert Hughes is terrific and I'd happily have him back.
You are often right about the comedians.
Floyd
My rant about Autralian coffee here:
http://adrianmckinty.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/coffee-madness.html
And yes the black coffee in Ireland is better.
David
Missed your comment. Must have gone though the spam filters, sorry.
State of Origin is amazing rugby. I'm a union guy but last week's game was one of the best I've ever seen.
I dont know about Warnie. He still has a bit of a cheeky twinkle in his eye and I love it when he does colour commentary on the cricket. But yes he's fucked up his face.
I really like this post - and sent the link to my brother who, as well as holding down a 'day' job, presents a homegrown Aussie TV programme ... ha. You might - or more likely might not - have seen it 'Who's Been Sleeping in My House?'
Deb
Havent seen the house one. My favourite Aussie show is called Letters and Numbers and is a remake of a British show called Countdown but its done very well and I'm completely addicted.
Well, it figures. There was a guy wearing a kilt and some kind of tam at an event I went to the other night, and for some reason it annoyed the hell out of me. I felt bad about it, but now, not so much.
Ha! I love letters and Numbers...its a geekfest and fantastic fun
Dan
And Lily is easy on the eyes isnt she?
I told one of my colleagues who's a travel writer about this. Her response was 'An Irish guy is telling US off about coffee?'.
He has a point about comedians - I haven't seen many, but the ones I have seen have just been like a loud bloke in a pub. Ages ago I saw Magda Suzbanski, (the fat chick from Kath n Kim/Babe/any other Australian production that requires a fat check) and, you'll be shocked to hear, it was just lame fat jokes - like your annoying Corben person.
Describing Melbourne's weather as perfect means that Ireland's weather must be more awful than I'd thought - the weather here is crazily changeable. Winter is usually like a warmer version of British winter - very wet and overcast.
Australian Rules rules! It's Gaelic footy which is silly. An easy mistake to make.
I don't think Robert Hughes was pretentious, but may be wrong. Certainly he wasn't as pretentious as Clive James.
St Kilda is fun, but full of wankers with stupid pointy sideburns.
Dunno about Australian pop music any more. We have our moments. Probably.
This guy says hoon larrikin and bogan all apply to him. The first one means 'dickhead' and is probably why the police are hassling him. The second means 'annoying drunken loudmouth who thinks he's cute' and may have something to do with the harrassment too. Bogan just means you like things with no style. This guy may be a 'fauxgan' - ie a boho type who congratulates themself on their bogan unpretentiousness which they demonstrate by wearing a check shirt, having fluffy dice on the rear vision movie or seeing Batman at Northlands whilst thrilling to be so far from St Kilda.
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