Monday, November 5, 2012

Neither Shaken Nor Stirred, Why I Hate James Bond

I know this means that they'll take my British passport away or put me in the tower, but I've got to say it: James Bond is boring. British film critics are falling over themselves to praise the latest James Bond film which opened in London this week, just as they fell over themselves to praise the last James Bond film and the one before that. It's considered very bad form to knock James Bond in the UK and even the lefty leaning Guardian and Independent always do The Daily Mail thing and climb on board the Bond Bandwagon. And yet James Bond films are crap. Dreary action sequences followed by tedious dialogue followed by dreary action sequences. Unknown stunt man fights unknown stunt man and jumps onto train/from burning building/off cliff. Wash and repeat, wash and repeat. The last two Daniel Craig Bond films were long and dumb and dull. The four Brosnan Bond films were perfect for 13 year old boys but unremittingly dreary for anyone not in possession of an adolescent imagination. Before that we had two ultra serious ultra tedious Timothy Dalton Bond films and then it was the embarrassment of the Roger Moore years. The Sean Connery Bond films are pretty onerous to watch now too with a couple of obvious exceptions. Bond films don't have things like plot or character development or moral dilemmas or eternal truths or big ideas. What they do have are meticulously executed action sequences patched together with a few crappy lines of exposition. Grown ups deserve better than this. 
The only Bond films that don't bore the pants off me are Goldfinger, On Her Majesty's Secret Service and the first five minutes of The Spy Who Loved Me (but I think Alan Partridge describing the first five minutes of The Spy Who Loved Me works even better.)