Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I Hear The Sirens In The Street: Chapter 1 (Work In Progress...)

The abandoned factory was a movie trailer from an entropic future when all the world would look like this. From a time without the means to repair corrugation or combustion engines or vacuum tubes. From a planet of rust and candle power. Guano coated the walls. Mildewed garbage lay in heaps. Strange machinery littered a floor which, with its layer of leaves, oil and broken glass was reminiscent of the dark understory of a rainforest. The melody in my head was a descending ten-on-one ostinato, a pastiche of the second of Chopin's études; I couldn’t place it but I knew that it was famous and that once the shooting stopped it would come to me in an instant.
            The shotgun blast had sent the birds into a frenzy and as we ran for cover behind a half disassembled steam turbine we watched the rock doves careen off the ceiling, sending a fine shower of white asbestos particles down towards us like the snow of a nuclear winter.
            The shotgun reported again and a window smashed twenty feet to our left. The security guard’s aim was no better than his common sense.
            We made it to safety behind the turbine’s thick stainless steel fan and watched the pigeons loop in decreasing circles above our heads. A superstitious man would have divined ill omened auguries in their melancholy flight but fortunately my partner, Detective Constable McCrabban, was made of sterner stuff.
            “Would you stop shooting, you bloody eejit! We are the police!” he yelled before I even had the chance to catch my breath.
            An impressive dissonance as the last of the shotgun’s echo died away, and then an even more impressive silence.
            Asbestos began to coat my leather jacket and I pulled my black polo neck sweater over my mouth.
            The pigeons began to settle.
            Wind made the girders creek.
            A distant bell was ringing.
            It was like being in a symphony by Arvo Pärt. But he wasn’t the composer of the melody still playing between my ears.
            Who was that now? Somebody French.
            Another shotgun blast.
            The security guard had taken the time to reload and now he was going to have more fun.  
            “Stop shooting!” McCrabban demanded again.
            “Get out of here!” a voice replied. “I’ve had enough of you hoodlums!”
            It was a venerable voice, from another Ireland, from the 30's or even earlier, but age gave it no weight or assurance - only a frail, impatient, dangerous doubt.
            This, every copper knew, was how it would end, not fighting the good fight but in a random bombing or a police chase gone wrong or shot by a half senile security guard in a derelict factory in north Belfast. It was April 1. Not a good day to die.
            “We’re the police!” McCrabban insisted.
            “The what?”
            “The police!” 
            “I’ll call the police!”
            “We are the police!”
            “You are?”
            I lit a cigarette, sat down and leaned against the outer shell of the big turbine.
            This room in fact was one enormous turbine hall. An huge space built for the generation of electricity because the engineers who’d constructed the textile factory had decided that autarky was the best policy when dealing with Northern Ireland’s inadequate and dodgy power supplies.
            I would like to have to seen this place in its heyday, when light was pouring in through the clear windows and the cathedral of turbines was humming at maximum rev. This whole factory must have been some scene with its cooling towers and its chemical presses and its white coated alchemist employees who knew the secret of turning petroleum into clothes.
            But not anymore. No textiles, no workers, no product. And it would never come back. Heavy manufacturing in Ireland had always been tentative at best and had fled the island just as rapidly as it had arrived.
            “If you’re the police how come you’re not in uniform?” the security guard demanded.  
            “We’re detectives! Plain clothes detectives. And listen mate, you’re in a lot of trouble. You better put down that bloody gun,” I yelled.
            “Who’s going to make me?” the security guard asked.
            “We are!” McCrabban shouted.
            “Oh, aye?” he yelled back. “You and whose army?”
            “The bloody British Army!” McCrabban and I yelled together.
            Two minutes of parley later and the security guard agreed that perhaps he had been a bit hasty. Crabbie who’d recently become a father of twin boys was seething and I could tell he was for throwing the book at him but the guard was an old geezer with watery eyes in a blue polyester uniform that perhaps presaged our own post peeler careers. “Let’s cut him a break,” I said. “It will only mean paperwork.”
            “If you say so,” Crabbie reluctantly agreed.
            The security guard introduced himself as Martin Barry and we told him that we had come here to investigate a blood trail that had been discovered by the night watchman.
            “Oh, that? I saw that on my walk around. I didn’t think too much about it,” Mr Barry said.  He looked as if he hadn’t thought too much about anything over the last thirty years.
            “Where is it?” McCrabban asked him.
            “It’s out near the bins, I wonder Malcolm didn’t leave a wee note for me that he had already called that in,” Mr Barry said.
            “If it was blood, why didn’t you call it in?” Crabbie asked.
           “One of the wee muckers comes in here and cuts himself and I’m supposed to call the peelers about it? I thought you gentlemen had better things to do with your days.”
            That did not bode well for it being something worth our trouble.
            “Can you show us what you’re talking about,” I asked.
            “Well, it’s outside,” Mr Barry said reluctantly.  
            He was still waving his antique twelve gauge around and Crabbie took the shotgun out of his hands, broke it open, removed the shells and gave it back again.
            “How did you get in here, anyway?” Mr Barry asked. 
            “The door was open,” Crabbie said.
            “Aye the hoodlums broke the lock, they’re always coming in here to nick stuff.”
            “What stuff?” McCrabban asked looking at the mess all around us.
            “They’re going to ship the rest of that turbine to Korea some day. It’s very valuable,” Mr Barry explained.
            I finished my cigarette and threw the stub into a puddle.
            “Shall we go see this alleged blood trail?” I asked.
            “All right then, aye.”
            We went outside.
            It was snowing now.
            Real snow not an asbestos simulacrum.
            There was a quarter of an inch of the stuff on the ground which meant that the trains would grind to a halt, the motorway would be closed and the rush hour commute would become chaotic.
            Crabbie looked at the sky and sniffed. “The old woman is certainly plucking the goose today,” he said stentoriously.
            “You should put those in a book,” I said, grinning at him.
            “There’s only one book I need,” Crabbie replied dourly.
            “Aye, me too,” Mr Barry agreed and the two Presbyterians gave each other a knowing glance. 
            This kind of talk drove me mental. “What about the phone book? What if you need to look up somebody’s phone number. You won’t find that in your King James,” I muttered.
            “You’d be surprised,” Mr Barry said but before he could explain further his method of divining unknown telephone numbers using the kabbala I raised a finger and walked to a dozen large, rusting skips filled with rubbish.
            “Is this where you’re talking about?”
            “Aye, over there’s where the wee bastards climb over,” he said pointing to a spot where the fence had been pulled down so that it was only a few feet high.
            “Not very secure, is it?” McCrabban said, turning up the collar on his sheep skin coat.
            “That’s why I have this!” Mr Barry exclaimed, patting his shotgun like a favourite snake.
            “Just show us the blood, please,” I said.
            “Over here, if it is blood. If it is human blood,” Mr Barry said with such an ominous twinge in his voice that it almost cracked me up. 
            He showed us a dried, thin reddish brown trail that led from the fence to the skips.
            “What do you make of that?” I asked Crabbie.
            “I’ll tell you what I make of it! The weans were rummaging in the skip, one of them wee beggars cuts hisself, heaven be praised, and then they run to the fence, jump over and go home crying to their mamas,” Mr Barry said.
            Crabbie and I shook our heads. Neither of us could agree with that interpretation. 
            “I’ll explain what happened to Mr Barry while you start looking in the skip,” I said.
            “I’ll explain it while you start looking in the skip,” Crabbie countered.
            “Explain what?” Mr Barry asked.
            “The blood trail gets thinner and narrower the further away from the fence you get.”
            “Which means?” Mr Barry asked.
            “Which means that unless we have a Jackson Pollock fan among our local vandal population then something or someone has been dragged to one of those Dumpsters and tossed in.”
            I looked at McCrabban.
            “Go on then, get in there,” I said.
            He shook his head.
            I pointed at the imaginary pips on my shoulder which would have signified the rank of Inspector if I hadn’t been in plain clothes.       
            It cut no ice with him.
            “I’m not going in there. No way. These trousers are nearly new. The missus would skin me alive.”
            “I’ll flip you for it. Heads or tails?”
            “You pick. It’s a little too much like gambling for my taste.”
            “Heads then.”
            I flipped.
            Of course we all knew what the outcome would be.
            I climbed into the skip nearest to where the blood trail appeared to end but naturally that would have been too easy for our criminal masterminds and I found nothing.
            I waded through assorted factory debris: wet cardboard, wet cork, slate, broken glass, lead pipes while Mr Barry and Crabbie waxed philosophic:
            “Jobs for the boys isn’t it? It’s all thieves and coppers these days isn’t it?”
            “Somebody has to give out the unemployment checks too, mate,” Crabbie replied which was very true. Thief, copper, prison officer, dole officer: such were the jobs on offer in Northern Ireland - the worst kakistocracy in Europe.
            I climbed back out of the skip.
            “Well?” Crabbie asked.
            “Nothing organic, save for some new lifeforms unknown to science that will probably mutate into a species annihilating virus,” I said.
            “I think I saw that film,” Crabbie replied.
            I took out the fifty pence piece. “All right, couple more skips to go, do you want to flip again?” I asked.
            “Not necessary, Sean, that first coin toss was the toss for all the skips,” Crabbie replied.
            “You’re telling me that I have to sort through all of them?” I said.
            “That’s why they pay you the big bucks, mate,” he said making his beady expressionless eyes even more beady and expressionless. 
            “I lost fair and square but I’ll remember this when you’re looking for help on your bloody Sergeant’s Exam,” I said.
            This had its desired effect.
            He shook his head and sniffed. “All right. All right. We split them up. I’ll take these two. You the other two. And we should probably get a move on before we all freeze to death,” he muttered.
            McCrabban found the suitcase in the third bin along from the fence.
            Blood was oozing through the red plastic.
            “Over here!” he yelled.
            We put on latex gloves and I helped him carry it out.
            It was heavy. 
            “You best stand back,” I said to Mr Barry.
            It had a simple brass zip. We unzipped it and flipped it open...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Conquest of the Useless

I've been rereading Werner Herzog's Conquest of the Useless and its very enjoyable the second go round. (If you're into audiobooks I bet the audiobook of this is amazing.) 
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Conquest of the Useless is the largely unedited journal Herzog kept during his time in the Peruvian jungle filming Fitzcarraldo. Fitzcarraldo is an Irish rubber baron who wants to bring high opera to the rain forest and to do so he attempts to move a steam ship between two river systems over a mountain. Herzog was ordered by the movie executives in California (a hilarious bit of the book where he was staying at Francis Ford Coppola's house) to move a model steam ship through the San Diego botanic gardens, but instead he chose to move a real steam ship through the real jungle because that's what his dream told him to do.
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Even the initial canoe journey to the location shoot echoes The Heart of Darkness and Coppola's own Apocalypse Now. Everyone gets malaria and dysentery, Mick Jagger and Jason Robards quit the movie. Klaus Kinski loses his mind. Kittens are eaten alive by chickens. Wives are bought and sold for the price of a jar of poison (for darts). A mad soldier invades Ecuador with his platoon of men and advances 30 miles into Ecuadorian territory. A villager stabs a spear at Herzog's belly. The film crew's own translator is a pathological liar who incites the villagers against the director. People break legs and arms. Floods destroy the set. Wars break out. Poisonous snakes and spiders are everywhere. From all this chaos somehow a film is made. Fantastic stuff. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Death Comes To Pemberley

If anyone else but PD James had written Death Comes To Pemberley hopefully it would have receieved the same criticial opprobrium lavished upon Pride & Prejudice & Zombies or other Jane Austen knock offs. The book takes place several years after the conclusion of Pride and Prejudice. George Wickham - Mr Darcy's brother in law - is accused of having murdered his best friend in the Pemberley woods. He is found crouched over the body and crying that he is responsible. Anyone who has read more than one other mystery novel will deduce that he is not guilty and although the real suspect my come as a surprise by the time the resolution announces its presence and then beats you over the head you won't much care who done it or why.
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Pemberley is not a good book. It is extremely slow and much of the novel takes place in drawing rooms where various characters recount what they have seen. Often these recitations are repeated three or even four times in different contexts. Bizarrely the novel reminded me of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace where much of the movie was taken up with dreary exposition and scene after scene of two shots on sofas. With Jane Austen's extraordinarily rich cast of characters PD James has produced a narrative where they are neither troubled too much or required to think too hard. Indeed they are so lifeless and tedious that I wondered from time to time if I wasn't reading the zombie book after all.  
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The biggest crime of all in Pemberley is not the alleged murder but the fact that Elizabeth Bennet/Elizabeth Darcy is missing for much of the novel and has almost nothing to do. Her intelligence and wit are never shown and she is excluded completely from the Old Bailey where we might have benefited from her insights. There is a rather sly reference to Emma near the end of the book and this would be have been an ideal place for Elizabeth to do something clever but alas she once again is only a passive observer of events that others have undertaken. That one of the great characters of nineteenth century literature should be so treated is actually quite shocking. Elizabeth Bennet is a lot of things but this is the first time that someone has contrived to make her boring. 
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Death Comes To Pemberley has become a best seller and the film rights have been optioned. This is no surprise: our culture has largely lost its critical facility especially when it comes to crime fiction. Benjamin Black gets serialised in the New Yorker, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo sells twenty million copies. Hype triumphs and we are offered the work of the connected, the safe and the dull. It was not always thus but it is now.   

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Few More Reviews

Ok remember when I said I was weary of talking about The Cold Cold Ground and myself. Well I am. But I said that just before half a dozen reviews about the book started appearing everywhere. In the last week we've had the Spinetingler review, The Sydney Morning Herald review, The Melbourne Age review and the verdict from The Irish Times. The blog reviews and reviews on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com have been rolling in as well. For my sins I read ALL the reviews and so far it's been a pretty pleasant experience with this book (it is not always thus, believe me). I do want to thank everyone who has bought CCG and left a rating or a review, it really means a whole lot to me. I think my favourite sentiment from all the reviews came from Nerd of Noir in Spinetingler who said that he'd recommend the book to basement dwelling noir geeks as well to his (presumably surface dwelling) mother. Oh and yeah Dec Burke said in the Irish Times that if a mad scientist had gene spliced David Peace, Eoin McNamee and Brian Moore together and forced this weird baldy Japanese speaking monster to write a novel it might have produced The Cold Cold Ground.  

Thursday, February 9, 2012

"In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man..."

In the days of Finn McCool and the Fianna a man had to stand on a tree stump and recite "all the poems" without making a mistake while nine other dudes threw spears at him. Unfortunately no one does this anymore (well we do in my house but that's another story) so I've had to come up with a few rules of my own about the progression from boyhood to manhood and whether you have made it there or not. 
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As far as I'm concerned you are not yet a man if:
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1. You don't know how to strip a motorcycle engine. 
2. You drink "lite" beer, or "lite" anything. 
3. You've never changed a nappy/diaper.
4. You drink cappuccino, or soy anything.
5. You've never been in a fist fight. 
6. You've never been in a fist fight and lost (the day I met my wife for the first time I had two black eyes). 
7. You've never hitch-hiked.
8. You've never yelled at a referee/umpire/politician/copper.
9. You've never thought "Jesus, I could actually die doing this."
10. You don't read fiction.
11. You are strangely unmoved by the Fiona Apple Criminal video
12. You use 'product' in your hair. 
13. You can't recite the first verse of Kashmir. 
14. You listen to Coldplay.
15. You have never defended an orphanage with a hammer against a gang of thugs with machetes, like this dude
16. You go against the advice of Tim Gunn (even if that advice contradicts any other of the rules on this list).
17. You prefer NFL to rugby.
18. You order Guinness by the half pint.
19. You support Manchester United.
20. You've never heard of Patrick Leigh Fermor
21. You read GQ or Men's Journal or Esquire in a place that isn't the doctor or the dentist's.
22. You've never urinated against a wall while holding a kebab.
23. Your favourite flag (other than the flag of your own country) is not the flag of the Republic of Mozambique.
24. You have never brewed your own beer/distilled your own moonshine. 
25. Your favourite book is Battlefield Earth
26. You've never gone into a biker bar, put The Smiths on the jukebox and stayed to listen to it. 
27. You've never spent your birthday morning shooting assorted handguns at Bob's Indoor Tactical Range on route 1 before getting a six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale and drinking it at the driving range over a couple of baskets of balls. 
28. You didn't get teary eyed at the denouement of Field of Dreams.
29. You can't immediately identify these quotations: "Charlie don't surf!" "Shomer Shabbos!" "Open the pod bay doors, Hal." "We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb."
30. Or this quotation: "The first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied...and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth." 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Incredible Shiteness of Being: The Fiction of Michel Houellebecq

Houellebecq at home in County Clare
French novelist Michel Houellebecq has a reputation as a pervy, intellectual, misanthropic shit stirrer. If you're a hipster who lives in Notting Hill, The West Village or the Rive Gauche this is sufficient reason to read his books but alas neither you nor I are such hepcats. Fortunately for us Houellebecq is also funny. I've read three of his books now: Platform, The Map and the Territory and Lanzarote and they were all pretty amusing. French humour is like French rock music: at best an acquired taste; but Houellebecq has decided not to mine the vein of French comedy that is exemplified by Jacques Tati and Marcel Marceau, no he's decided that he wants to be that rare fromage - a Frenchman who actually makes you laugh. 
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Platform is his best book with a deliriously sarcastic first third, a rather boring middle section and a surprisingly great ending. Lanzarote is a kind of dry run for Platform and is terrific all the way through its large print 80 pages. The Map And The Territory is a different animal. It won the Prix Goncourt and has a much more serious feel about it. Houellebecq is really trying hard to say something about art (his hero is an artist) life (the artist is depressed) and the artificiality of the novel form (Michel Houellebecq appears as a character in the book). The book has attained some controversy because Houellebecq lifted entire sections of the novel from French Wikipedia, but thats not really the problem. The problem is that Houellebecq didn't sufficiently bring the funny, except in the chapters that take place in and around Shannon Airport where his depression and misanthropy really have a fertile soil in which to grow (as all of us who have spent time in Shannon will testify). Still if you're going to read one French novel this year The Map and the Territory is a good one to go for. If you want a few laughs and are not easily scandalised try Platform.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Jack Carter, Alan Moore and A Watchmen Prequel?

Among the highlights of Alan Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen III Century 1969 is the appearance of Jack Carter. Carter is an iconic figure in British crime writing culture. People know of him either through the novel Jack's Return Home or from Mike Hodges's brilliant Geordie Noir, Get Carter. If you haven't read the book or watched the film then you are really missing on a treat and you must do so at once! I saw the film first which stars Michael Caine in his best movie role as a London gangster who returns to Geordieland to find out what happened to his recently deceased brother. In the course of one weekend he manages to raise enough hell to last for decades. 
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Century 1969 takes place just before Carter's trip to the north. Although he doesn't officially join The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Carter plays a pivotal role in (temporarily) ending the reign of terror of an Aleister Crowley figure who has not only killed Brian Jones but now wants to take over Mick Jagger's body. With steely determination Carter (drawn in the comic as Michael Caine) finds out what happened to Jones and tracks Crowley down to his lair. As a precaution against the libel lawyers many of the names of real people in Century 1969 have been changed (and in real life of course it was Jimmy Page who was obsessed with Crowley not Jagger) but they're easy to spot with a little effort. 
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Alan Moore has been in the news recently bitching to The New York Times about DC Comics' plans for a Watchmen Prequel. I think DC is making a mistake attempting to do Watchmen without Moore and it will sully the reputation of an almost perfect comic the way the Matrix sequels ruined the mythology of the Matrix. But the big beardy Necromancer from Northampton is attempting to have it both ways. Moore himself freely borrows other peoples fictional creations: Allan Quartermain, Jack Carter, Mina Harker etc. in his League comics. And as Mark Hughes points out in a Forbes Magazine blog (?!) this is only the half of it. Moore's erotica comic Lost Girls takes Peter Pan, Wendy, Dorothy (from the Wizard of Oz) et. al. to places where no one really wants them to go. Lost Girls is not quite as shocking Hughes's portrayal of it in his piece but I completely understand his point about the hypocrisy of Moore's stance. 
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Saying all that though I am firmly in the camp that wishes the Watchmen prequels were not happening. Greed rather than fan demand is what's driving DC here. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

How To Write A New York Times Best Selling Crime Novel

Try to be as pretty, hollow, manufactured and safe as possible
1. Write about America. If you want your book to be a hit then it's going to have to be set in America or about Americans in trouble overseas. American readers largely don't care about the rest of the world and don't buy books set in places they can't easily understand. Publishers know this and encourage it and won't publish your book unless your locale conforms with an easy to grasp set of stereotypes. The exceptions prove the rule. Nordic crime fiction is hot right now because the image of Scandinavia is easy to grasp: snow, Ikea, Volvos, attractive people speaking with a cute accent. English period mysteries are also always in vogue because again we've got attractive white people in lovely costumes. Very occasionally a mystery from say Africa (The Ladies Detective Agency) will break through but crucially those books are written by a nice safe Scottish man. 
2. Write about the rich. American society is aspirational. The rich are envied, but the poor are hated. No one wants to read a depressing mystery novel about people in trailer parks struggling to get by or worse about black people in some housing project in the South Bronx.
3. Move to Brooklyn Heights. Your debut novel has no chance of getting reviewed in the NYT unless you live in Manhattan or Brooklyn Heights.
4. If you are man grow a hipster goatee. If you are a woman try to be very pretty.  Why? See rule #3 above. 
5. Write about a lawyer. There are two big misconceptions that propel books about lawyers to the top of the best seller lists: 1) lawyers are more intelligent than the average citizen and 2) lawyers mostly work in criminal law. Neither of these is true but editors and readers think they are. 
6. Your lead character should be a rebel, but a completely safe rebel who doesn't question the status quo. 
7. Don't try to be funny. Funny is very difficult and hard to pull off. Better to play it straight and occasionally slip in the odd gag here and there. Saying that though irony plays well. Post irony plays even better. Ironing however is passe. 
8. Have a twist a third of the way into the book and again four pages from the end. Doesn't matter what the twist is or how ridiculous it is, this is what the punters want so this is what you must give them. Everyone will mention the twist in the review. 
9. Don't criticise the status quo. I'm serious about this one. If you start bad mouthing The New York Times or big American corporations or doubting the stereotypes that everyone believes in you are in big trouble and your book won't find a publisher.  
10. Make it very clear in your letter to potential agents/publishers that this is only book 1 of at least a 12 part series. Publishers will not invest a dime in you unless they see the words FRANCHISE or SERIES emblazoned on your forehead. In other words DO NOT kill your character at the end of the book. Good Luck!

Coffee Madness

"Our Nicole" leaving her local Nashville Starbucks where she gets filter coffee

I've been living in Melbourne for three years now and I like the place a lot. The weather's agreeable, the people are friendly and St Kilda is a Greenwich Village by the sea. One of the biggest irritations however (and if you're a regular reader of this blog you knew that that sentence was coming) is the coffee situation. In the late 1940's Melbourne had an influx of Italian immigrants who brought their coffee worshipping culture with them. In this schemata drip or filter coffee was verboten and every cup of coffee had to be individually made on an espresso machine. You could of course get an espresso itself but Melburnians became hooked on lattes and cappuccino. Gradually this sophisticated culture spread, displacing the old diners and restaurants who sold drip, filter or even instant coffee. Now you can't get American style filter coffee anywhere.
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When Starbucks announced that they were closing almost all of their Melburnian outlets it was greeted with rejoicing in the Melbourne Age and the Herald Sun. "How dare these Yanks try to impose their weak kneed filter coffee on us when we are light years ahead of them," was the tedious refrain. There are two big problems with this theory, however. If you want a standard cup of black coffee in Australia you have to ask for a "long black" which is an espresso shot mixed with hot water. This of course tastes like utter crap. The espresso and the water don't mix properly, it's grainy, either weak or too strong and it's basically inferior in every way to a good cup of filtered coffee but tell this to Australians and they will snort incredulously. The second problem is that it takes fecking forever just to get a bloody cup of coffee. Many many times I have dropped in at a busy coffee shop, ordered a long black, paid my money, got my change and waited and waited and waited. In the US or UK I would stand there for a few seconds and then someone would hand me an excellent freshly brewed cup of black coffee and I would leave. In Melbourne since you have to brew every cup individually and then clean the espresso holder and fire up the machine again it can be upwards of thirty minutes (!) to get your cup of coffee. Thirty minutes for a cup of joe? This is insanity.
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Australians really need to get over themselves with this coffee nonsense. Actually there isn't really a coffee culture here at all, it's a mannered, decadent, effete, un-Australian steamed milk drinking culture. The propaganda about drip coffee is entirely bogus. Blue collar drip coffee is better than espresso coffee. It's cheaper, faster and when its made strong enough fantastic. Did you ever go to Malaysia? There they make fricking Nescafe with condensed milk - bloody delicious, takes two seconds. Watch 30 Rock sometime, everyone's drinking those blue takeaway cups of New York diner coffee which costs 99 cents - you add sugar, half and half - again, bloody great. I'm sorry Australia, I like you, but this cult you've joined has taken you down a bad path and you need an intervention. Just try brewing a big pot of filter coffee in the morning for people in a hurry or who think "long black" tastes like shite - you might be surprised by the results.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My Local Bookshop

In a belated response to Farhad Manjoo's misinformed and poorly written attack on bookshops in Slate Magazine I thought I would tell you about my local bookshop: Readings on Acland Street here in St. Kilda. Readings is a great local bookshop with a friendly atmosphere, opinionated staff who know the stock, and a handy location right in the heart of St. Kilda opposite half a dozen cake shops and patisseries. 
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Bookshop worker George Orwell used to live in fear of the little old lady who would appear on a busy Saturday morning asking for the "novel that came out a few years ago with the green cover, about the man, who was doing all those things." At Readings St. Kilda I believe they would find you that book because they love literature and they pride themselves on being well read. Contra Farhad Manjoo bookshops are a sign of high civilization and any town or large city district without one isn't really partaking of the culture at all. Readings is a notch above your average bookshop with a terrific children's section and (I love this) separate sections for Penguin Books, Faber, the New York Review of Books Press, Dalkey Archive Press and other terrific independent or smaller quality labels. 
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Sometimes Australian books can be a little bit pricey so when I do buy a novel I want it to be excellent before I lay down my cash. At Readings they don't mind if you read for a while before purchasing. For the last week or so I've been checking out Chad Harbach's The Art of Fielding and I'm now at page 30 and it's pretty good - so I think I'm going to buy it, unless the Melbourne Age sends me a free copy which I don't think they will because they already reviewed it. 
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Another good thing about Readings is that they don't serve coffee, muffins, biscotti, tea, herbal tea or anything that you can eat or drink. The only reason to enter the shop is to buy a book, or, admittedly one of the vinyl records at the back. I'm not knocking desperate book shop owners who've had to convert their shops into cafes to get the punters in, but its nice in Readings not to hear the annoying hiss of the espresso machine or to find muffin crumbs on the floor. What you might hear however is some eclectic music. Last week I was pleasantly surprised to get the Blade Runner soundtrack album which I've never heard in another bookshop, ever. 
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Ok that's that. If you're in Sydney check out Jon Page's wonderful bookshop (see previous post). If you're in St. Kilda do check out Readings. (I have nothing to gain from this if you do. They have no idea who I am and I don't even know if they stock my books as I avoid the crime section.) And the cake shops across the street are pretty damn good too. Oh and if you're looking for the only place that sells Ruddles County or Marston's Pedigree in Australia try Acland Cellars also just across the street.