Friday, October 29, 2010

New Zealand To Revert Back To Colonial Status For Duration Of Hobbit

In a surprising addendum to the agreement signed by Warner Brothers Pictures, Peter Jackson and the government of New Zealand, NZ is to revert back to colonial status for the period February 2011 - December 2012, when the first of the two planned Hobbit films is due to be released. NZ law is to be replaced by a jurisprudential code drawn up by the Warner Bros legal department and a system of military tribunals are to replace NZ's Crown Courts. The New Code will go into effect on February 1st 2011 and is rumored to include such controversial measures as curfews, martial law and droit de seigneur for all Warner Brothers and New Line executives. Under the regulations the NZ police force is be replaced by armed militamen supplied by veteran private guerilla firm Blackwater Security. Further reports say that a new currency featuring Tolkien characters is set to replace the NZ dollar, serfdom (not Smurfdom that's a different film) is to be brought in for all Wingnut Film employees and in perhaps the most shocking of the new developments the All Blacks rugby team will no longer chant the haka in Maori but will challenge their opposition in Quenya.
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Sir Peter Jackson will move up the order of chivalry to become Lord Peter of the Shire and the current Prime Minister will be reduced to the rank of Steward. Blackwater Security will be able to identify the employees of New Line and Wingnut Films by the special inscribed gold rings they will be enslaved with given.
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Surprisingly there has been little opposition to these measures in New Zealand. John Guinness, a teacher from Wellington said yesterday "It's a small price to pay. The Hobbit belongs in this country and if this is what it takes to keep it here then so be it." Clare Fuller from Auckland added "Peter Jackson is a god around here and if he thinks this is necessary then we have to do it." Jamie Theakston from Dunedin, although supporting the measure, did have one reservation "I'm due to get married in March and I'm a little worried about the whole droit de seigneur thing. But that'll all be water under the bridge in December 2012 when I'm lining up to see The Hobbit for the first time! It's going to be awesome!" 
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Contacted through a medium JRR Tolkien said that if The Hobbit was about any one theme it was surely about the power of massive corporations to triumphantly impose their industrial might on an awed and brow beaten populace. "Dark Lord Sauron could not have crafted a better contract," Tolkien chuckled before adding: "Elenna·nóreo alcar enyalien ar Elendil Vorondo," which apparently was not Elvish but merely the late Professor of Anglo Saxon's attempts to clear his throat.