Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Interviewing Myself


He was close, real close. I couldn't see him yet, but I could feel him. . .
 as if the boat were being sucked upriver and the water was flowing back into
the jungle. Whatever was going to happen, it wasn't gonna be
the way they called it back in Nha Trang.
Normally when I have a book out I do a couple of blog interviews but since no one's asked this time around I thought I'd take a step down that narcissistic trail to insanity and interview myself:

Q. Hi, Adrian how are you doing?
A. Great. I'm working my way through a four pack of Ruddles County and Dog The Bounty Hunter is on the tube trawling through my old haunts in Denver in his not-exactly-covert fleet of black Escalades.
Q. Ok great glad you're focused...all right first question. With which fictional character do you most identify?
A. What a terrific question and of course I'm immediately tempted to name an obscure character from Robert Musil's two thousand page epic The Man Without Qualities just to prove that I've read and appreciated the book, but actually I have thought long and hard about this and I have a better answer: the goldfish in The Cat In The Hat. He's a very sensible goldfish and he wants to put a stop to the cat's shenanigans. I like that and I completely identify with his timidity and jaded killjoyism.
Q. What novel in the last year have you absolutely loved?
A. The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet. And although this is off topic, I commend Ruddles County to anyone who likes an older country style Midlands English beer. Its not hoppy or strong and there's a faint urine odour but somehow it all works. It's very hard to explain. It goes well with crackers and stilton too.
Q. Er...Ok. What novel in the last year have you absolutely hated?
A. The alleged comic novel that won the Booker Prize whose name escapes me at the moment. Look, I don't want to offend you but these questions suck. How about some good questions like what's my favourite shade of green or my favourite prime number or something.
Q. What is your favourite shade of green?
A. Great question. I've also thought long and hard about this one. I do like Irish Racing Green and a bright Kelly Green and even a slightly murky Seagreen, but I think my favourite shade of green is the dark dark dark green of the uniforms of the Police Service of Northern Ireland.
Q. What's the highest prime number you can think of?
A. Off hand? Uhm, 243112609-1?
Q. If there's a heaven what would you like to hear God say at the Pearly Gates?
A. You stole that one from James Lipton didn't you?
Q. Well, yeah...but even so...go on.
A. God would say: "You were right about Battlestar Galactica, Adrian, Season 4 was terrible and the guilty people have been punished."  
Q. And what would you say to God?
A. "Yo, Adonai, now that Liz Taylor and JG Ballard have both passed on is there any chance of seeing some kind of live action version of Crash? That would be frikkin awesome."
Q. That's what you'd say to God?
A. Not good? Sorry that's just the first thing I thought of and Dog the Bounty hunter just brought down his perp who once again is not the dangerous felon we had been promised but a just a meek dude in a vest who forgot his court date.  
Q. What do you think of what many people are calling the Celtic New Wave in crime fiction? 
A. Wait I have a better question for God, "The Marie Celeste...whats the story with that? That sucker's been puzzling me since I was 8." 
Q. Ok maybe we can leave that to one side for the moment. E books, will they save or kill publishing?
A. Nazi E Boats almost cost us dear on D Day. I should know I had an Airfix model of one. Fearsome looking machines.
Q. E books.
A. Or you know what I would ask God? I'd ask her how Qatar got to host the 2022 World Cup. How did that happen exactly? And for this answer I want her to assume the form of Christina Hendricks while she explains it.
Q. Ok, this is clearly not going anywhere, thank you Adrian McKinty.
A. Anytime Adrian, anytime.