I am proud to say that I got a Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mention in this year's Bulwer Lytton Contest. For those of you who don't know the Bulwer Lytton Contest is for the worst opening line of an imaginary novel. It is named after the wonderfully bad writer Edward Bulwer Lytton. The contest covers many categories: fantasy, science fiction, detective fiction etc. Normally I submit an entry in the horrible puns category. I was particularly pleased with my entry last year:
worst opening line (horrible puns)
Natasha, the Russian mail order bride, found it hard to adjust after being fired from the assembly line at Burt’s Bees Skin Care Products - one time her husband even caught her smearing Lip Restorer With Pomegranite Oil on their Slumberland pillow, and, when asked why, she told him: “I love the smell of lip balm in morning. . .it smells like factory."
But I didn't get close with that one. For this year's contest I thought that I had submitted another horrible pun, but in fact I must have entered the science fiction contest. It's not a great, horrible opening, but I did rate a miscellaneous dishonourable mention and that aint too shabby:
worst opening line (scifi)
"You're not in Kansas anymore, people!" the gruff Marine Captain bellowed as I wheeled myself along the tarmac of Planet Cliché, the only place in the Galaxy where you could mine Unobtainium, undergo the powerful Eywa ritual with a blue eight-foot-tall alien Princess, and discover a hunter-gatherer people who despite decades of human contact still hadn't developed the wheel, the composite bow, or toilet paper.
You can read the full list of winners (and there are some corkers) here.