Sunday, February 7, 2016

Bud Light Is All That Is Wrong With The World

The Superbowl is maybe the most depressing event in the American liturgical calendar. A hundred steroidly inflated men attempt to give each other brain damage while chasing a football around a field for sixty minutes. That wouldn't be so bad if television didn't somehow drag those sixty minutes out for three hours. Einstein said that times slows down the closer you get to the speed of light, yet at the Superbowl time slows down immediately anything speedy or interesting happens on the field. As soon as you begin to have a passing fascination with the dynamics of the game itself the television cuts to ads. And this is the real reason why those poor men are running around getting head trauma. The goddamn ads. I grew up in Northern Ireland where everybody hated television ads. Ads were mocked, ridiculed or turned off. What kind of fucking idiots did these ad men think we were that we would fall for their deluded pitches? Yet in America there seems to be no shame at all shilling for some horrible product that will burn a hole in your pocket and give you no satisfaction whatsoever. Advertisers are in the business of fooling you and when you are fooled they laugh at your gullibility. Which is why the Superbowl is so horrific. The Superbowl is a great festival of new American advertising and some people are so brainwashed that they actually tune in "just to watch the ads." The "best ads" are praised in respectable publications and on social media and replayed over and over again while the creepy men on Madison Avenue rub their satanic claws with glee. 
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The worst ads are always by the most evil corporations and Budweiser is one of the most evil corporations in the world. If you want to know how evil Budweiser is think on this - until only a couple of years ago it used to own SeaWorld. Come on, it doesn't get much worse than that. 
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As some of you might know I love beer. In fact I'm a bit of a beer geek. Which is why, as a beer lover, I know that Anheuser Busch hates America. They hate America and they hate Americans. No one who loved America would dare sell the filth they sell and call it beer. They employ more marketing men than brewers for a reason because they know they are selling a substandard product to schlemiels. Which brings me to Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer's Superbowl Bud Light commercial. Let me never hear again any complaints from those two about unfair treatment in the media. Let them never say again that they are artists. To paraphrase Bill Hicks you are exiled forever from the artistic community when you decide to shill for Budweiser. 
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Bud Light of course is losing the wider war. Budweiser's market share has been plummeting for years and the only people who drink it now are 15 year old boys and virtually at gun point, John Oliver. Craft beer sales are going through the roof as people discover what real beer tastes like. Its April 1945 and Budweiser is falling back to the bunker to blow its brains out. Seth Rogen & Amy Schumer's ad will not prevent our inevitable triumph over this once mighty evil empire.